#I feel for all the kids nowadays since I feel like everything's gotten so much worse since I was a kid

[heyhihellosworld]

𝐀𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮

Trent Alexander-Arnold x reader

Word count: 6.2k

Summary: Trent would do everything for his daughter even if it's out of his comfort-zone but maybe something, or someone can make it more bearable.

Warnings: Single parent, talk about non-present parents, horses, angst, smut, fluff, dad!trent, young pregnancy (19/20)

Notes: I don't know but this idea just came to me randomly when I was in the stables and I just find it funny to see these out of place parents, especially dads so yeah. Random but fun to write

Being a single parent wasn't always easy. Trent found it hard to be as present as possible, to spend as much time with his daughter as he wanted and still succeed in his football career. It took a lot of time, effort and help but he managed well, being the best dad possible and still develop in his football. It took a toll on him but he wouldn't trade it for the world.

Since he had been a little kid football had been his life, his goal and the only thing that mattered. For so long it was all that consumed his life, until Ella came along. It was never the plan, never his intention after the one-night stand he'd had but it happened and after a rocky year he had full custody of his baby.

After that his priorities changed because he was no longer alone, he couldn't be selfish anymore, he couldn't think about himself because he had a little girl at home. A little girl relying on him for food, comfort and love and suddenly, she was what mattered the most.

Less to say Trent didn't have a lot of free-time, already juggling more than the time could wrap up but he didn't really miss anything, he felt complete. The only thing he sometimes missed was dating. Going out was nowadays almost impossible, even though his brothers and parents tried to help out and babysit as much as they could he didn't feel fine with leaving her in their responsibility too long knowing they already helped out more than they should. Trent hadn't dated someone in what felt like years nor had he gotten any action regurarly. He didn't mind it, but he could miss it some days. Not only the sex but the social life outside of his work. That's why it felt like a blessing when Ella got older and he had to engage in some of her free-time activities. It wasn't like before of course, this was mothers and fathers with their kids not drunk idiots in a club in some VIP-room. But it was still some kind of social life, some people he could talk to and sometimes hang out with outside of the footballpitch.

For him it was obvious she would play football. It was what he'd anticiapated for a long time but the little girl said no. She didn't wanna play football, she wanted to take horseback-lessons, and as the nice father he was he didn't pressure her into anything but said ok, she would get to take her horse-riding lessons if that was what made her happy.

The four-year old was over-joyed, not Trent. He was as far away from his comfort zone he could imagine when he stepped onto the yard with his estatic daughter. It was muddy and bloody cold but he didn't say anything, just smiled at Ella who blabbered away.

Anything for her

It was all he repeated in his head to get himself to not jump into the car again.

He could hear his teammates laughing in his head as he stood in the small house which apparently was called the club-house. When he had told them about his daughters wish he had got his head nagged in with teasing, but hey, anything for her.

He got informed of how it worked, where the list was, where the different buildings were located, how he handled the horse, that he'd have to fix it up before riding.

He nodded along pretending he understood just fine before walking after Ella as she hurried into the stable. The smell was the first thing that hit him, then the horses. What the fuck was he doing here, why hadn't he asked somebody who knew something about this to take her? Well probably because she had been so excited for him to come along.

"Look, look!" Ella prompted, grinning from ear to ear as she pointed to one of the horses "Which one am I having? Which one daddy?"

Trent shook his head "Uh, what was his name? Mons?" "Monty!"

Trent hummed, nodding as they walked along the line of horses, "Here it is" he told her and she squealed with excitement at the tiny, fat little horse that stood in the box, glaring at them from inside.

Trent stood a few meters away as one of the people who helped out in the stables showed Elle how to tack up. He could feel the stares as he tried to look at what they were doing, trying to memorize but nah, it was too much stuff. Ella almost bounced on the spot as everything was ready, Trent yet to touch the horse that was still glaring at them.

-

Trent sat on the cold tree stand as he watched his daughter wiggle around on the horse. If it wasn't for the biggest smile on her face he would've tried to talk her into something else but he couldn't, and it didn't matter how bitter he felt. He would have to learn and show up, put on his well practiced fake-smile, for her.

-

"Are you really Trent Alexander-Arnold?"

The sound of his name made him look up, taken aback by the mention. He hadn't even thought about being spotted or recognised here which he of course should have.

"Eh, I am" he choke before he even located the woman who spoke but when he did he felt like his choked reply was just right. Before him stood a beautiful woman, she didn't look like a mom, for sure not. She looked about his age, maybe a year or so younger than him.

She was absolutely stunning, her beutiful face held a warm and almost teasing expression. Eyes glimmering, like she was mocking him for his whereabouts.

"Wow" she hummed, sitting down next to him so naturally it almost made him envy her confidence. "So what in the world brings the famous footballer to the stables?" She asked, seemingly unbothered but the smirk she tried to hide leaked through, making him pull a grimace at her.

"Well, my daughter wanted to take horseback-lessons... so I took her to do it, silently hoping she wouldn't like it but now I guess this is my new place to be" he muttered and she chuckled softly "That's sweet of you"

Trent shrugged his shoulders, looking over at her as she sat so casually but still looked so elegant and beautiful. "What about you?" "Well I also happen to have a daughter who loves this stinky hole" she hummed, peeking his interest even more "Really?" he questioned, his eyes full of interest as she hummed "yeah, why?"

"No no I just... you look young to be a mother" he revealed, pulling a smile from her "thank you, I guess. But I was young when I got her" she admitted, making Trent nod along "How old are you?"

"23" she answered shortly making him hum "And what's your name?"

She chuckled, giving him a loopsided smile as she raised one eyebrow "Why are you so interested?"

Trent shrugged "I just am, you're not gonna tell me your name?"

"Y/n, it's y/n" she answered politely, a silence settling over the two as they watched their children try to lead the horse in the right direction.

--

It had been a stressful afternoon for you, hurrying home after work to make it in time to Amelies riding-lesson. But you'd made it, not quite on time but good enough.

Amelies riding lessons was nothing you'd been too big of a fan of, not only because you knew nothing about horses but also because it was darn expensive. But of course you couldn't say no to your precious daughter when she so sweetly asked you, so now you found yourself on this tree bench every week, looking as your daughter held the biggest smile on her face, and it felt worth it.

"I don't mean to be forward" you voiced quietly after a few moments, "It's fine" he hummed, turning his attention to you, bracing himself for what he knew was coming.

He was even more beautiful face to face, so close up, than on the tv-screen and you still had a hard time realizing it was actually the football player sitting next to you on the stable stand.

You had of course read gossip sites and rumors about him and his daughter, some saying he was indeed secretly married and other saying it was a failed one-night stand leading him to be a single parent. You didn't know what it was but you were intrigued.

"Are you married?"

Your question didn't surprise him, his eyes fleeting back from watching the group to you again. "Well-no"

"No?"

He shook his head, curls flying all over the place, your face told him you wanted to know more and he gave in, he knew darn well about all the rumours flying around about him and his daughter, and especially about the mother. "I am not married. Me and Ella's mother is not in any committed relationship. In fact it was a one night stand, ending up in her calling me and telling me she was pregnant and after a long hard time she pulled out, and I am now a single parent"

You hummed "is her mother in the picture at all?"

"Rarely, whenever it suits her" he shrugged, not really understanding why he told you all this. "What about you?" You chuckled bitterly "Nah, I was in a relationship when I got pregnant, but like I said I was young, barely 19 and our relationship was as serious as they are at that age so when things got real he bailed"

"So, do you have any contact?"

"No, I haven't really heard from him since I told him I was pregnant, I forced him to meet her once" you told him bitterly, the air tensing but you didn't mind and neither did he. It was nothing secretive and something you both had moved on from so talking about it felt like a natural part of an introduction because it was a big part of who you were, big part of your families.

When the short lesson was over Ella was bouncing as she ran up to Trent. You stood next to him, waiting for Amelie whilst continuing to small-talk. You couldn't help but smile as he kneeled down to scoop her up in his arms with the brightest smile. "Did you enjoy it princess?"

"I love it! Thank you daddy" he chuckled as he let her down again "Of course sweetie, are you all done now so we can go home and cook?"

You watched as the little girl nodded before looking away, Trent saw it aswell "It's okay, we can stay a little longer" he smiled at her shy look making her face lit up again "I just wanna say bye to my friends" she replied, kissing his cheek before running up the small bump into the stables again.

You felt like pouting at the sweet interaction but stopped from it seeing they were strangers and it would probably put him off. "She is really adorable" you smiled as he stood up again, smiling small.

"Thank you"

"Have you been here for a long time?"

"Here?"

"Have your daughter been riding for a long time?" he corrected making you hum "Well nah not that long, a couple of months" you answered. More than that wasn't said and it felt like a small relief when both of your daughters came running down from the stable giggling, breaking the sudden awkvard tension. You smiled at your daughter, her hapiness making you happy.

"Mommy, did you see?!" she squeeled as she raised her arms as a sign for you to lift her up which you did with a grin. "I did see, you were really good today" you smiled, loving her happy face as she bubbled with hapiness, all giddy.

You put her down when she started to wriggle, packing down all the things in your stable-bag. "Mom"

"Yeah" you hummed "Do you think I can play with Ella some day?"

You looked up, smiling softly as you paused "I'm sure we could fix something some time" you promised making her smile again, breaking away from the small shy energy. You could see that she was tired, even though she was blabbering and bouncing the tiredness started to droop onto her.

When she yawned you chucled, picking her up which she gladly accepted, snuggling into your shoulder.

You waved goodbye at Trent who smiled your way before stropping Amelie in the car to drive home.

Since that first time in the stables Trent and Ella went every week, every week coming to seek you out, ask you about your week and how you'd been since last time.

What in the beginning was a dreadful day for Trent slowly started to become an enjoyful one. You liked the stables just fine but it didn't get worse by seeing Trent.

Whenever he wasn't there it was a huge disapointment, something you were all to aware of.

He had became a good friend, your daughters spending time outside of the stables as well which prompted you to meet more than once a week.

The attraction was there, always but of course you never went with it since the kids were around and dating with a kid or even more so sleeping around whilst having a kid was not something you found appropriate or fair for her at the moment so you didn't do anything, didn't say anything and if he felt the same way he didn't say it.

You learnt more and more for every time you met and got more and more smitten. You understood why everybody was fawning over him so bad. You'd always liked him on the pitch, enjoyed watching him play but this was something completely different than that.

It was a sunday you realized how smitten you actually was with the guy. He had suggested to meet up for the kids to play so you could watch football together. It was United against City so the expectations where high as you sat in your sofa together. The girls in Amelies room playing.

He had been such a softie, resting his hand on your thigh as you sat closer than appropriate, conversing and laughing about the game. He told you stories about himself, about Ella and it was all so soft.

His eyes had been warm and he had been so sweet, cooking all of you lunch and helping you fix the new coffee table you hadn't put together yet. It had felt so domestic and it had made you realize how much you actuallly liked the guy.

But you hadn't spoken a word about it. It was too complicated to get involved with anyone. No man had gotten introduced to Amelie except from her dad but other than that you had stayed far away from that part of you. Only ever being with someone when Amelie wasn't home.

It was a delicate matter with kids and you didn't want to risk anything, plus, you had no idea if Trent even liked you in the slightest so you just kept your mouth shut, enjoying what was now.

A rare evening without Amelie or work was spent out. You were still young, still enjoying the thrill of a good club with friends so the bar was the place to go.

Your best friend begged to go to this new open bar, more similar to an night-club than bar but you didn't mind.

The first hour was spent upstairs in one of the more reserved booths, drinking and gossiping, spilling the recent tea and of coure the main topic was Trent.

She was dying to hear about it and you were dying to telll her. "No way he said that" she gasped, clapping her hands "Wow you go y/n, this is honestly wild"

You giggled, swallowing the rest of your drink "I know"

"What's next then? You almost kissed in his car and now?" "Now nothing" you sighed, shaking your head "What do you mean nothing"

"I mean that I haven't heard of him since then"

"Well text him then!" she exclaimed "I dont know" "Oh come on y/n you gotta do it, you are so smitten by him already and you never meet anyone"

"Lets drop this topic for tonight" you decided, sweeping the hard parts under the rug for now.

"Fine, let's go down and get the party started for real" she beamed sensing not to push you further right now.

"Yes please"

She giggled, hooking your arm with hers as you went down the sketchy stair to the club area, the night club you needed.

-

You were deep in your cups which was why you weren't sure if you actually saw who you thought you did or if you were hallucinating

"Y/n! Is that Trent??" your friend gaped making you realize it was actaully Trent and you gigggled, pulling her along with you as you tripped up to him, facing him with a bright smile

He was with a couple of friends, some you would probably recognize if it wasn't for the slight womble in your head

"Y/n??"

Trent eyed you up and down with a giant smirk, sensing your drunkness but he too were deep in his cups, immidiately dragging both you and your friend to their table.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, handing you another drink and pulling you to sit on his lap as there was limited space on the table he and a couple of his friends shared. Your friend immideately hitting it off with some of them.

"I have a rare night out" you grinned

"How convinient, I have to" he revealed, squeezing your thigh where your short dress had ridden up.

"How convinient" you smirked right back at him, your eyes dropping down to his lips a little too often

It wan't long until you couln't resist the urge to kiss him anymore. The clear part of our head would probably stop it right now because it was compliacted, you had Amelie, you couldn't just date around and bring people here and there but the rational part of your brain wasn't working right at the moment. Only wanting some sort of normality, some sort of attention tonight and Trent gladly gave it to you, so you took it.

The soft kiss turned heated, passionate and neeedy, hands grasping desperately at each other as your turned around on his lap. Only when the people around you started to make noises did you break apart for the moment, enjoying the night on his lap, his mouth on yours and hands caressing you whenever the moment allowed it. It was something completely different like this, when the kids wasn't around, when neither of you had to take the parent role, when you both were deep in your cups and didn't hold back. It was something completely different but so relieving.

--

He asked you out, actually asked you out. Not asking for a playdate with the kids, no. Alone, with you and it felt like the nerves would explode. You had met him for months now but it felt different after the bar meeting.

It had been heated, promising more than just parents of two friends. No, that had showed you he wanted more as well. The kisses shared, the touches ad the late, drunken question to come home with him. It all indicated that he wanted more of whatever it was between you.

You read his text again. You had agreeed on dinner in his flat. Neither of you wanted to do something public. Still it felt nerve-wracking. You hadn't been at his place before, always at yours for various reasons.

You hadn't gone home with him that night but what if he wanted something in that way tonight`?

did you want anything like that? Hell yes

How did you act with him, alone? Without being drunk

What do you wear to something like this?

You had no idea

After what felt like forever you finally emerged from your car outside of his complex, wearing sweats and a hoodie as he had told you after asking and making your way inside.

It was darn expensive, exclusive, luxaury celebrity building. You felt hella out of place, not only because of your clothes as you got escorted up to his floor. The secod you saw him though, it felt okay. The smile twinkling in his eyes as he welcomed you inside.

-

"This feels a bit weird" you smiled, sitting on his big comfy sofa. Stretching out your tired body on the comfortable furnitor.

Trent chuckled, pursing his lips "Well"

"Not bad" you promised "But weird, I'm not used to be alone with you. It's always the girls or the horny mums"

At that Trent couldn't contain his laughter "Horny mums?"

"Yeah you should hear them talk" you scoffed, shaking your head at them.

"I do, trust me" he chuckled, plopping down next to you in the sofa with two glasses of wine. "I just choose to ignore them most of the time" he smiled, handing you one of the glasses.

Your eyebrows raised as you turned to him with an unimpressed look "most of the times?"

"Well yeah, I mean I did not ignore you, did I?" he teased, showing his beutiful smile. Your eyes rolled "no but I'm not talking about how hot it would be to be fucked by a footballer or how perfect your back looks to scratch"

"Why don't you though?"

You choke on the wine you sipped, spluttering it out in your lap as you tried to contain yourself with laughter You looked at him deadpan, "you want me to?"

His shoulders shrugged and his face pulled a grimace, smirking at your flustered state "I wouldn't mind it"

"Really?" you hummed, looking at him from under your lashes while sipping your wine. Gaining your confidenece back "Oh Trent, I wanna scratch your back while you fuck me so hard" you ironized with a high-pitched voice.

Trent laughed, raising his glass towards you "Take away the irony and we are home"

You couldn't help but give him a bright smile, leaning your head towards him before straightening up to do your real performance. His eyes followed you amusedly as he watched you clear your throat before you repeated "Oh Trent, I wanna scratch your back while you fuck me so hard" but only this time you tried to make it sound real, moaning out the words with an additional moan afterwards.

Trent's amused face dropped slightly as you smirked at him "Better?" "Mhm" he nodded, giving you an impressed look "Wow, that's actually wild" he hummed causing you to laugh at him, shaking your head at his dramatics "That explains how you women are so good at faking things"

You hummed, nodding "Sure but you can hear a clear difference from an fake moan and a real moan"

Trent hummed, pouting his lips in thought "well sure"

You pursued tour lips "Do you know the differences?" Trent shrugged "Sometimes, I think most of the times I can tell"

"Have someone ever really faked it with you?" you giggled, "Sure" Trent chuckled, internaly palming himself for revealing that to you.

"Why?" "I don't bloody know, I guess they didn't like it?"

You laughed "Oh poor Trent, are you not that talented in bed?"

He only scoffed, giving you a face that only made you laugh harder "I'm sure am talented enough"'

You giggled, crawling closer to him before settling in his lap. It didn't feel weird, you had been in this position before. You wanted to take it one step further, wanted to be with him.

"What if I need proof?" you whispered, your voicie low and all serious as he swallowed, giving you a heated gaze "Well I think we can fix that, don't you think?" "I was hoping" you smirked, immediately atttacking his lips with yours.

His hands fell on your ass, pulling you closer as your hands tangled in his curls.

Screw all the complicated shit, screw all responsibilites. You would fix it all later, talk it all through later. This wasn't bound to change anything, except it was. You felt more than you wanted to admit.

Screw the feelings, you needed him right now and he felt the same.

His hands started to undress you, flinging your hoodie off and you let him but when his hands left your boobs and started to tease your underwear you stopped him.

"Hey" you mumbled, immideately grabbing his attention, brown eyes searching yours for any signs that he'd crossed the line.

You gently stroke his neck, smiling at his attentive expression. "Did I do something?" he asked softly, relief filling his body as you shook your head. "No no, I just-" you began, looking away from his intense gaze

"What?" he murmured, gently angling your face so that you looked at him again.

Your face felt warm as he looked at you "I-I just haven't had sex in.... forever" you admited shyly

"Forever? you do have a kid, right?"

You giggled loving how he tried to ease the embarrsament as your lips graced his shoulder. "A year" you clarified, looking away from his face as he raised his eyebrows in supriese "Really, wow I feel like i've been in a dryspell forever but a year... I would've alredy have cum now"

You giggled again, hiding your embaressment in admitting this to your lext lay but Trent was different. It wasn't just some hook-up, it was Trent. Someone you already had found a liking towards. Someone you felt comfortable with and trusted, someone you didn't feel embarrassed around.

He kept a loving smile on his face, kissing your cheek sweetly before speaking again. "It's nothing, as long as you want this we can take it as slowly as you want to and if you don't, we don't" he mumbled softly against the soft skin of your shoulder.

"I want to, just... take it slow" you breathed out, his head noddding in recognition as he continued his ministrations on your neck and collarbone. Leaving marks like a teenager would on your sensitive skin. It made you giggle, plafully pushing him away but he just gave you his millon-dollar grin and continued, knowing you liked it.

You started to ease into it. Not feeling as stiff anymore as you moved your body against his, making him let out an apreciative sound. "Yeah?" he mumbled, a word so short but still so hot to hear from his lips.

His hand creeped down your sweatpants, gently teasing the hem of your underwear, tripping under the waistband only to crawl back up. It was all a part of his slow show and you started to realise what you had really asked him.

You kissed him sweetly, passionately but soft. Searching his mouth with yours, hands grasping on his broad shoulders, slowly creeping down to finally feel his gorgously sexy abs.

His breath fanned your jaw as he watched your face every movement, only slipping his hand into your panties for real when you made strong eye-contact with him, pleadig with your eyes for him to keep going.

And keep going he did, finally lettig his fingers stroke over your swollen clit. His fingers moved expertisely, knowing exactly where it would feel the best and where to be to drive your mind absolutely crazy and needy.

He was so focused on your face as you let him play with you, enjoying it way to much to ever ask him to stop.

When your mind started to function again you let your hand slip under the waistband of his calvins. Quickly wrapping around his hard dick to give him some attention as well. Too soaked up in your own for quiet some time already.

He didn't complain, his eyes closing briefly and a hard breath escaping his open lips as you stroked him firmly. Trying to focus on him whilst he brought you to the edge, slipping two fingers inside of you.

Your body had gotten completely loose now. Moving on it's own accord, not caring anymore, not controlled by nerves but pleasure.

He could see exactly when your orgasm started to climb to it's top. Not daring to stop as your voice pleaded him not to. Your hand stopped aroud his dick, unable to focus as your orgasm washed over you. The sounds you let out fell deaf on your own ears, not to Trent's who only got harder as your body shook, fingers slowly retreating as you came down. Not wanting to overstimulate you at this state.

"Okay?" he smiled softly, the giggle you let out sounded free and happy "more than okay" you smiled, leaning up to kiss his lips lovingly. Hand resuming it's pace on his hard cock.

Soon enough you tugged at his boxers, wanting them off, wanting him inside of you.

He let you do what you wanted, helping to take off his boxers as he helped you out of your sweatpants. His hands gently cupped your breasts over your brah as you looked at each other. "You sure you want this?" he hummed, needing the consent "Yes, you?" you hummed back softly, "All I wanted to do since I first saw you" he consented, bringing a smile on your lips as he guided his tip to your entrance.

He rubbed oer your sensitive nerves, giving you time to relax again from the initional reaction to feeling his dick against the place you wanted him.

"Relax yeah?" he hummed softly, kissing over your chest, smiling against your skin as you complied. Relaxing your body against the soft material.

He fially pushed the tip in, your breath catching in your throat at the stretch. His lips a nice distraction, your arms wrapping around his shoulders as he kissed you passionately. Breathing in and swallowing your sounds.

It felt like an enternity until he finally stopped, fully inside you. You panted against his lips, trying to take in the feeling of complete blizz.

Fuck you had missed this

"Move" you breathed, his hips immediately following your words as he slowly started to thrust inside of you. Taking it slow as promised but it felt just as good as anything else. It wasn't about fucking the life out of you, it would be time for that later. No this was about connecting, making eachother feel pleasure and love and wow did he manage well.

You felt like all you could do was moan and whine, your body writhing on the soft cushions as he gave you all he had, rolling his hips into yours, filling you completely with each deep thrust.

He reached places you didn't even remembered you could or knew. It felt like you were floating on a cloud as his mouth found your skin again.

"Fuck I'm sorry" he breathed harshly on your jaw as he kissed his way up

"What?"

"I-I'm gonna cum" he breathed making you giggle out a moan "Fuck do it"

His fingers found your clit, gently stroking the sensitive nub as he quickened his pace slightly. His hips started to jerk as he got closer to his release, soon coming to an complete stop as he came, taking you with him in the blizz.

It felt like you blacked out. Letting your eyes fall close as he slipped of to the bathroom, helping you clean up and change clothes to sleep. He didn't bother making you brush your teeth or go to the toilet. You were already half-asleep so he just crawled down into the bed again. Kissing your shoulder and whispering soft praise for you as you drifted off to sleep in his comfortbale bed and warm embrace.

--

Awkvardness settled in your body as you looked down on the steeming hot cup of coffe he'd just handed you.

He looked as free as a bird, not an ounce of regret or questionmarks visable in the way he moved around the kitchen

You didn't regret it but now the hard conversation were bound to happen, the conversation you'd dreaded since you started to feel something about him. But again, he didn't look cornered at all, he looked the oposite to you and that also made you question this, question his feelings.

It wasn't long until he broke the silence, turning to you with an look you couldn't really decide if it was scolding, angry or amused. Maybe something inbetween it all.

"Why are you awkvard?"

He popped the question, just like that, cornered you even more than you already felt as you squirmed on the tall bar stool you sat on at his kitchen island.

"I'm not" you tried but he only chuckled, giving you a soft smile. "This dosen't have to be as hard as you make it out in your head"

"I dosen't?" you half mocked him but he stood his ground, shaking his head "No, it dosen't. I really like you" he stated, like it was the easiest thing ever to say

"And I think you like me too so what's the problem? Our kids already love eachother so why just not take it slowly, ease into it with them, keep it on the low, see eachother more and then move forward step by step. It dosen't have to be that hard. I'm sure of my feeling, it's not something casual or temporary"

You sat quite for a while "Well when you say it like that it sounds like the easiest thing in the world"

Trent chuckled, coming loser to you "It's not the easiset thing in the world but I like you too much to not give this a try"

You smiled leaning over the island to kiss him gently "I like you" you mumbled against his lips, feeling them curl into a smile against yours.

--

Sundays couldn't get better than this, the sun was out, mood happy and the birds were singing. Trent's hand in yours made a warmth spread in your chest. The girls ran in front of you, playing tag in a fit of giggles.

The soft morning had woken you up in the right mood, waking up alongside Trent was bound to wake you up in a good mood. Early morning sure but the way Tren't had made love to you first thing after waking up made your mood hit the good roof.

"I love this" you hummed, watching up at his beutiful smile under the baseball cap he'd pushed down over his curls, not wanting to be recognised.

You'd made it official, but not public. He had asked you to be his girlfriend one late night in front of the tv, cozied up together on the sofa. It had been only one clear answer on your tongue and since then things had changed for the better.

The worry of affecting your kids had been one that had proved not to be a problem, the girls already concidering the other best friends. Trying to explain had been a bit harder the girls not completely undestanding why they spent so mch time together at eachothers houses but they loved it neitherless.

"Me too" Trent hummed, glancing up at the girls "And I love you" he continued, turning to you again, tilting your head up to gently kiss you, a kiss you couldn't help but to smile into, holding his chin gently as he kissed you softly, intimately.

"Daddy!" "Mommy!"

You broke apart, giggling as you turned to your kids "Why is your daddy snogging my mommy!" Amelie protested but Ella only giggled making Amelie start to.

"Where have you learnt that word?" you asked her pointedly, her eyes blinking up at you "Trent told me it" she defended before they were off again.

"You taught her the word snogging??" you turned to him with a scoff "What?!" he exclaimed "The girls were using the word fucking so I told them not to say that and to say snog instead, choose your word woman!" he defended making you laugh "Okay okay, snogging is much better than fucking"

"Exactly" he smiled in victory as you continued to walk.

You'd never felt this kind of peace before in your life. It had always been something, something unsettling. But right now, right now it felt like peace, like nothing was hard or confusing. Everything was clear and you were happy, happiest you'd ever been.

And it all felt like it was coming together, peace had finally landed.

[houseofkirklands]

Headcanons relationship each Kirkland brother have with each other

Okay this is like the typical draw explaining the relationship some characters have but since I suck at drawing (really I don't even know how to draw a tree) I'll drop some hcs here about what do I think their relationship is like

-England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

•With Wales: He is the brother he probably trust the most in a normal daily basis. He and Wales have been living together for so long and England didn't really have at all that much problems with him that he is the first one he comes to when needs to talk to one of his brothers. Wales is the one who can understand better England and since Wales is the calmest one in the family he won't get angry easily but England knows Wales is the worst one to face if he gets angry

•With Scotland: Oh god from where to start? Their relationship is ...complicated... Mostly because of all the war they had which made broken their brotherhood more but the current political situation around Scotland makes England have a headache. They have that love-hate brotherhood the "he is an idiot but is my idiot". They will never tell each other but deep inside they really care about each other, Scotland tried his best to take care of England, which he thinks he failed by a lot but England will come to Scotland when he feels like, Scotland is the closest person England could consider as "a brother and a father". He knows Scotland tried to protect him and he learned a lot from his older brother. England will never tell but Scotland was the only one who could make England feel safe when he was a little kid, he will come to him when he was scared looking for Scotland's protection and that still happens nowadays

•With Ireland: They are the most distant between all the brothers. Nowadays they are working in their personal relationship which is kinda a sign for the rest of the brothers to keep an eye on them cause they can't be left alone in the same room for 5 minutes and try to be civil and well mannered people. England feels like Ireland sometimes makes a drama over smaller things and tend to exaggerate everything to the point he can't take him seriously but deep inside he knows Ireland still holds a grudge against England for everything he has done to Ireland for the last 800 years and because of this it's difficult for them to have a talk but sometimes they can forget about their differences and share the same braincells which can be very dangerous from an outsider view

•With Northern Ireland: It's a bit difficult to explain this one. They trust in each other and get along pretty well but from England' side he sometimes see in North a young America cause like his former colony, North is cheerful, full of energy and joy, with creative ideas but then he remembers North is also a Kirkland so he has gotten his strong headed from somewhere. England sometimes feels like if he is doing right with North in taking care of him while North is living in his house, the little boy will go sometimes asking help from England when it comes to the problem on how to be a country but then he sees North and remembers Ireland and everything, he knows one day North will stop living in England's house and the cheerful and joy that brings to the house will dissapear to give that to Ireland, he just doesn't know exactly how to feel about him, he worries about him, he deeply cares but North sometimes makes it difficult to tell, he just doesn't want to get too much attached to him

Wales

•With England: He is the one that get on well better with England like already metioned. From Wales perspective, he doesn't have any problem in help him if needed, he would sit down on the sofa with him, make some tea and drink it together while he is listening to his younger brother. Wales was the one who took care of England when Britannia was under Rome's rule so Wales became very important for the personal development of England, also Wales is good at giving advices so he would try to help England the best he can and he would be the one next to him most likely when England struggles with the problems but on the other side, he can be mad at him for some England's ideas or actions sometimes, Wales could be found not defending England when it's Scotland or Ireland matter depending on the topic (mostly for a historical grudge) so that can make England think Wales doesn't care about him at all...which it isn't true but Wales is not stupid, he has seen things and won't defend something that has no right to be defended specially if it involves his brothers and he knows England has hurt them in the past....

•With Scotland: They have like a "middle" relationship. They don't get along the best but they don't hate each other. Wales rarely has asked Scotland for any help and depending of the mood Scotland has that day could send Wales to heaven or to hell. Wales knows that's if its needed Scotland would be there for him since Scotland is the most protective of all the brothers but Scotland is aware Wales prefers England's company than his

•With Ireland: Kinda similar to Scotland-Wales relationship. They don't really talk to much, it's not like they dislike each other actually when they are together they become a bunch of idiots. Wales used to be the one who used to send letters to Ireland to know let him know what's going on in Great Britain, how he, England and Scotland were doing. This is a thing they do nowadays but changing the letters with text messages since Wales probably knows all the secrets his brothers have and Ireland as the oldest brother, has his right to know how are his younger brothers doing

•With Northern Ireland: They have a lovely brotherhood dynamic. North is a really young country compared with the thousand of years his brothers have and is trapped in a 15-18 years old body. So Wales is the one who helps North with some stuff North might find interesting, if England can't help him in the affairs of the country, Wales will help him (actually every one helps North with this) and like the curious mind North has, he always goes to Wales to ask him how he can learn magic as fast as he can to reach his brothers's magic level or go to the countryside and Wales will start to talk to him about animals, Wales is also the one teaching North how to sing and when it comes to emotional support, Wales will be there for North

Scotland

•With England: Tries to hide it but he deeply cares about England. He is the little brother he raised the most, Scotland wanted him to be stronger than he ever was cause he didn't want England to suffer as much as Scotland did when he was just a child/teenager. He just couldn't see his brother being in pain but the problem was, how a 7 years old kid can raise a little brother that is 4 years old knowing they have lost their parents recently? How a family of brothers who didn't surpass the 10 years old age could survive in a world where Rome and Germania were expanding their territories so fast? And the Vikings...They lived in a forest, surrounded by animals, started to see magical creatures and needed to survive without a parental/maternal figure, they were so young for the world, and that's what Scotland wants to England to understand. Life was not easy, life was never easy for them, England doesn't remember cause he was very young but Ireland and Scotland struggled a lot, they needed to grow up while being child to protect the younger brothers, they even had no idea if there were going to survive the next day...Find some food for 4 mouths, everything was so difficult and for a moment Scotland thought maybe Wales and England being under Rome's rule was good, cause they had food, they had a proper bed, proper clothes, they could study, learn how to write, how to read and a decent house to be stay but when they meet each other again, England wasn't the boy Scotland knew before, Scotland's methods to raise England weren't the best, he is aware of that. For the rest of their history, Scotland just couldn't see anything more but a mix of hate and dissapoinment, England made things to him that Scotland would never do to him but Scotland has been always the one more affected for England's change in the personality, the fact he wants to get independence doesn't mean he hates him, if only England could understand ...

•With Wales: If there is something Scotland will never understand is how Wales can defend a lot England, how he can be so clever and so stupid at the same time? Scotland appreciates Wales for being the brigde between him and England current fights, Wales always listen to the both of them so it's easy for him to find an answer and make those two make the peaces and bring to the house 5 minutes of really silence and a peaceful mood. They are the ones who can be the most be found doing some magic together

•With Ireland: The dynamic duo, the stupid dumbass big brothers of the entire islands, they same the same braincell literally. These two have the best relationship between all the brothers, similar tastes, similar physical features, similar everything around those two.

Just Ireland is the extrovert one and Scotland rarely wants to be social cause he holds an introvert ass

These two are the C-H-A-O-S of the family together, they will ally together to annoy their little brothers BUT only them are allowed to do that, if anyone outside the family makes fun of one of their brothers, prepare yourself, put some trainers and be ready to run the marathon of your life cause they will kick you and won't have any regrets in doing it. Their family is very important for them, extremely important, they will risk their lives to protect them even through they are annoying as f.

They will start speaking in Gaelic much for the disgrace of Wales and England while North is just there trying to see if he can understand something

Now leaving the brothers behind, they fully support and worry about each other, they are the ones who have struggled the most to survive so they can understand each other so well. Ireland as the oldest, doesn't want to see Scotland suffering and if there is a brother Scotland will let his guard down and need a should to cry on, that would be Ireland for sure, the rest of the brothers have Ireland and Scotland for them to ask about life and that stuff...Scotland only has Ireland as his older brother, the one and only, the one who raised Scotland, the one Scotland used to look up for and he doesn't know what he would do if he lost his older brother, he wishes he could protect Ireland for all the suffering he had gone through, Scotland promised himself to be strong to be able to protect Ireland but he just can't, he just wants him to be happy and will say to him he is proud of Ireland knowing how much he endured everything to become a stronger person and a better nation for his people, he will say those words cause Ireland tends to forget them, Scotland will always support him

•With Northern Ireland: North will go to Scotland to ask him about his homework problems, or just anything that involves problems, Scotland will be here listening to North most of the time but other times Scotland would just think North problems are dumb as f which can lend to North to get angry.

But most of the time, Scotland is the one that spend more time with North either playing with some toys or videogames or bringing the boy outside to do some outdoors activities just to make the little lad forget about everything that involves to be a nation

Ireland

•With Wales: Ireland is very fond of Wales, he is the brother he can always trust because Wales is so open-minded and will listen to any of the brothers no matter what. Ireland sometimes used to ask Wales to look for the safety of Scotland when they were younger even though Scotland was trying so much to be a good big brother, taking care of England cause we are talking about a period when Ireland and England didn't have problems and to protect and support North when needed. They maybe don't talk too much but definitely they care about each other so much and Ireland couldn't be more happy to have Wales as his brother.

•With England: Oh god... This one... He is glad that nowadays they are working on their relationship and can cooperate but it takes just a minimum thing done wrong for Ireland to explote out of the patience because of England.

It's just so much going on between them...They manage to work together but Ireland just had enough from England, he is tired to fight with him. There was a time they were on very good terms however for Ireland is not easy to forget 800 years of colonialism. England has caused him so much trauma and mental illness, Ireland is working on it, he is really trying and he just wishes England could understand its just not easy to forget. He can forgive cause Ireland has a big heart but the damage to him, his land and people are there. He doesn't understand how England can say he is exaggerating sometimes over things England might find unserious but for Ireland it's just a whole world, luckily Wales and Scotland knew to be there for Ireland when he needed and talk with England over how he was treating Ireland.

Also they kinda agreed to work and improve their relationship for the best specially for Northern Ireland cause he just can't choose between the two and they are like their tutors but everyone knows they can't spend so much time in the same room.

•With Scotland: If there is something that Ireland will say to Scotland, it would be he is proud of him. He is the brother he has spent most time with during his whole life, the first ever brother he took care of, Ireland made sure Scotland learned everything but because of circumstances it was difficult for him to do it.

Ireland remembers how much Scotland looked up for him back in the days when they were just the two of them, then Wales came, England came and now with North, they are the older brothers and they need to protect their younger brothers the best they can, they have seen each other at their worst but they have always supported each other cause they could understand each other situation.

You won't see Ireland crying that much cause he was used to feel pain but he knows if he needs to cry even though he has always seen like he isn't broken, he can be very vulnerable sometimes, he could be found alone crying in Scotland' shoulders

No matter what Ireland loves Scotland so much and will make sure he can have a better life than his. They have their own agreement to protect each other from any pain but definitely they can hang out to have a drink and forget about the world for a moment

•With Northern Ireland: They have their ups and downs, it depends so much of the period, they can have their misunderstandings but they also know they need each other.

In Ireland's eyes, North is a baby based on the terms of a nation, North is only a century old compared with him. Ireland feels like he needs to protect North, Ireland has seen so much and has gone through so many bad times, North is aware of this and just because Ireland doesn't want North to have the life he had, he sometimes will go on "parental mode activated" when North is struggling with something. He just wants to give North the best childhood he can have, a childhood neither Ireland or the rest of the brothers have.

Ireland knows he can't treat North like the way he treated his younger brothers centuries ago. North is growing up in a very different world and that's a thing Ireland has needed to understand, so he is always ready to help North the best he can either with homework or just when North is hitted with some anxiety attacks. He will stay next to him and let him know that even though North lives with brothers that are ancient af, they would be there forever for him.

North appreciates that and Ireland just loves to see him happy. Ireland will always find some time to spend with North because he knows North needs and desires for that time.

Northern Ireland

•With England: When he was younger he was very fond of England but as he is growing up and understanding the history of his family, he doesn't know what to think about England at all. North likes England a lot, he is always looking up for him for some advice and he is aware England actually helps him a lot but then he founds about the past of England, about what he did to Scotland and to Ireland specially and he might have mixed feelings towards England. He actually knows England is not anymore like that but also he can understand why his oldest brothers are like that with England. He just doesn't know how to feel about it, he sometimes think it's just better to let his older brothers issues between his older brothers cause its a past thing and he just simply hasn't lived those times with them.

North just depending on his mode sometimes will love England and other times he will go specially when something political happens and he sees his own country affected by a very bad decision England took, telling him he wants to be back in Ireland's house just to pressure England that or he takes action, or he will call Ireland and North knows England doesn't want to face Ireland

But in general facts in a personal way North and England get along pretty well but England understands given the situation North has, he could some days find the teenager very, very angry at him and deal with him it's actually difficult for England cause North is a Kirkland and is linked to Ireland so he is the ultimate stubborn of the family.

•With Wales: Wales is actually the one who is teaching North basic magic concepts and some singing voice classes. North likes so much to spend time with Wales, he learns so much with him, Wales is the reason why North started to like animals a lot and he will always watch with his older brother documentaries about the animal world and some mystical and mythological animals as well and for Wales means so much that little boy has so many interests in so many different things and topics. North trusts so much in Wales and he will go to him everytime he see the other brothers fighting either because England and Scotland fought again, Ireland and England or just the 3 of them so for North, Wales is that scape he has for a period of time where fighting is not allowed where Wales will tell him just not to get involved in the discussion of the rest of the brothers

•With Scotland: North looks up for Scotland a lot too (I mean he is the baby brother, he looks up for all his brothers). Advice for life and supervivence, North likes a lot to follow Scotland anywhere, he is young and he is willing to see the world so he always go with the Scotsman to the trips he had planned (mostly to the Scottish Highlands), Scotland loves to be a guide tourist for North telling him stories about the places they are visiting, he is a really good storyteller so when North was very little, he was the one who used to read him a book to make him sleep. North also loves to go to Scotland's workshop and see all the manual works Scotland has done. He remembers how Scotland used to give him as a present some figures for him which really appreciates and eventually will make a team with him to make jokes to the rest of the brothers

•With Ireland: North doesn't want to admit or at least not in front of him but he is really scared to lose Ireland. He doesn't want to fail him and wants him to be proud of what North has become on his own. He is aware he is sometimes very rough at Ireland but just like with England because of his situation he just has mixed feelings, in a personal way he really love and appreciates Ireland, he knew that he is linked to Ireland no matter how many people tells him otherwise, in a personal way, Ireland has been there for him and North knows he has learned a lot from Ireland. He took care of him when he was a little toddler, how to walk, how to talk, how to read... Thanks to Ireland he has that part of him that makes him interested in Irish culture and traditions just like the UK brothers did as well with the British culture, he learned Irish, he got interested in Irish dancing and loves when Ireland tells him stories as well just like Scotland. With time he has learned to try to understand Ireland better cause he feels like he has been rough with him for so long, ofc he knows Ireland isn't a saint but history is there written and well its not like North can't pretend he doesn't feel bad when he reads a bit of Ireland's history and point of view or defend England actions or even Ireland own actions back then, he just can't but if he was honest he feels like the way he sees England and Ireland as brothers is very different from each other, he won't tell but he knows he loves when Ireland defends and protects him and Ireland just goes on his father mode cause for him North is his little baby and actually North doesn't mind that all...

[wingboundwarrior]

TOA Anniversary Munday

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don’t reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here’s to many more years spent together.

Name: Serena

Pronouns: she/hers

Birthday (no year): February 3rd

Where are you from? What is your time zone? US, EST!

How long is your roleplay experience? I’ve been roleplaying as long as I can remember... I have vivid memories of creating characters with my friends as a small child and pretending to be them. From there, I moved to forums, paper and pencil RP, texting and email RP, and the like! I’ve been roleplaying on Tumblr specifically for over 10 years.

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? I think it really just came naturally to me and my few friends as a kid, haha! My first forum was a Harry Potter one as a child... and then I got into Tumblr RP with my introduction to Star Trek!

How were you introduced to TOA? I found TOA while in the “fe rp” tag, as they’re really frequent in there!

Do you have any pets? I have two cats, a 4 year old gray cat named Jasper, and a less than a year old black cat named Jacinth! They don’t get along 💖

What is your favorite time of year and why? (Season, holiday, general period) Winter by far! I grew up in a humid environment, and I find the colder weather and environment so magical! Even though I’ve moved, I still do 💖

What is your IRL occupation? I’m disabled!

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? I love crocheting, playing farming sims, and watching anime!

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? Fields of Mistria is my favorite game rn!! I’m also a sucker for a game I’ve been playing since I was young called Mabinogi! But a good rule of thumb is, if it’s a farming sim available on the computer I’ve heard of it and have an opinion on it.

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: I never really got too much into Pokemon buuuuut my favorite TemTem is Vulffy 💖

Tell us some fun facts and trivia about yourself!

How did you get into Fire Emblem? I met Havoc in another roleplay space and when we moved away from that space I wrote with his Fire Emblem characters, and then I was curious about the source material, so!

What Fire Emblem games have you played? FE7 and a little tiny bit of Three Houses! 👍

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: FE7 for both JKLFAJKL

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! Ohhhhh I mean. Definitely Serra and Fiora but also Florina? And Erk? And Heath? And... ohhhh tbh it’s so hard. They’re all so good.

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! The first time Serra opened her mouth she had reached through the screen and grabbed me by the throat.

Any Fire Emblem crushes? I’d marry Eliwood tbqh....

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? Wheezes.... I haven’t.... ever gotten that far :softsmile:.....

Favorite Fire Emblem class? I actually love Mages sooooo bad.... But I do rely on my Cavs for. Everything ,

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? I’d be a healer!!! Probably a mounted healer actually!!!

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? (Black Eagles, Blue Lions, Golden Deer, Church of Seiros, Those Who Slither in the Dark, unaffiliated civilian, other - for example Almyran) Probably Church of Seiros!!

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? Boons: Faith Banes: Everything else 😅 Budding Talent: Maybe Reason?.... ha ha.... Deep down I want it to be Bows, though

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? (Firene, the Kingdom of Abundance; Brodia, the Kingdom of Might; Elusia, the Kingdom of Knowledge; Solm, the Queendom of Freedom; Lythos, the holy land of the Divine Dragon; Gradlon, the desolate land of the Fell Dragon) I really have no clue but I’ll say Lythos for fun 🙏

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔(separate letters, to-ah, other?) Separate letters!

Current TOA muses: Fiora and Serra!

Past TOA muses? I wrote Limstella for about seven seconds but actually still muse them in another server!

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? Serra! Yes, I still got her!

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? YES I write Sunshine Girls or Melancholic Girls. Sometimes both at once. 🙏

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? Honestly not really, I think I could figure out how to write other muses but these are the ones I enjoy most!

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? (If you filled this out last year, has this changed in any way?) I really love delving into emotionally or physically charged things... I’m a little angst demon.... I really want our characters to feel and feel deeply....

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? For Fiora, I hope to confront her feelings of failure and sorrow over her losses. I want her to be called out!!!! For the self-sacrificial shit she does!!!! I want her to be honest and emotionally vulnerable!!!

Favorite TOA-related memories? I feel like every thread I write is my new favorite thread 🫶

Present or past tense? Present tense recently, honestly!

Normal size text, small text, no preference? I actually like small text the most but I’ll do anything!!

Got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 Nope! I’m happy. 😌

[thewritersaddictions]

Drabble: Joel Miller- Dad Jokes

Did Joel always have such a rough exterior? Yeah, he did with people that he didn't know, or while he was trying desperately trying to keep himself protected.

Joel was a creature of habit. A set of things that made him comfortable, but now that had been taken and ripped away from him. Right in front of him, in his arms, he had the joy of life sucked out of him.

He stayed cold for many years. Cold to the touch and cold to the heart. Nothing not even what you thought he was supposed to sound or feel like was Joel anymore.

Joel tried for the longest time to keep emotions and anything that would or could hurt him at bay. emotions of his daughter dying in his arms. Shove that deep down in his chest, away from the burning light of the next morning sunrise. Knowing that he wasn't able to protect Tommy from joining the Firefiles. He shoved that one down too. Everything that was hurting him was shoved further and further into the pit of his stomach. It left Joel feeling heavy and angry.

The pain didn't stop there though. He turned numb and just like that he was trusted back into the realm of love and friendship. Tessa, god she was so damn straight with Joel. She was the sweetest person that Joel had met since his daughter Sarah. She was everything that kept him going even though he wanted nothing more than to be with his daughter once more.

But love is a bitch and she takes even the best things from people who don't deserve it. Tessa bit, too many emotions clouded Joel's mind as he tried to figure out how they had gotten here. How he had somehow ended up with a girl not far from Sarah ages when she passed away. How had he gotten here back to taking care of another person.

Sure Joel had tossed the idea around in his head. Was Ellie more than cargo or was she just that. Had Ellie and Joel's time together meant anything like his time with his daughter. There was that but there was also something different, For years Joel had yearned for that role of a protector all over again. He wanted someone who he could protect to make up for the loss of his daughter. Not a replacement but for forgiveness.

Maybe Ellie was that forgiveness, Maybe Sarah had in some god-like way Ellie in his path. Maybe Sarah was trying to help him come to a realization that the anger and self-pity could be turned into something worth it again. Something that would make a difference in the bleak world they now lived in.

It took longer then excepted for Joel to come around. For Joel to be comfrotable with Ellie being around him. Relying on him, wanting to learn more about the world that she had been lied to about by FEDRA

He gathered his thougths when he went to Bill and Franks. He didn't want to let her go, not to the tw ofo them. He was good friends with Frank and Bill, but he had been taking care of ellie for to long already now.

"Joel?" Ellie asks him softly in the dark night. "What Ellie?" "Do you have any dad jokes?" Ellie asks. She tired it's in her voice but still she asks through her long yawns. Pushng sleep away, Joel can't help but think back to sarah. his heart squezzes a little at the thought.

He remembers a few. A few of Sarahs favorite that her dad used to use on repeat. Sarah would laugh loudly. A hand on her stomach as it ached from laughing so damn much. Joel smiles at the thought of his daughter with a wide smile on her face, bright eyes that loved him. "yeah I think i've got a few in my back pocket. Why do you wanna know?" Joel asks Ellie. It rough on the extorit his question. He doens't mean to sound like an asshole that just how he sounds nowadays.

"Well will you tell me a few?!" Ellie says. Joel looks over at Ellie. The truck isn't that big but he's been looking up at the roof of the truck. When he turns Ellie looking at him with those child-like eyes. One that are waiting for adventure, ones that are waiting;yearning to grow up quicker then they have to.

"Cool it kid, but yeah." Joel says he gives a few seconds for the air between the two of them to cool down. "Have you ever heard the chocolate record player?" Ellie brows scuch together. Joel has to push down the smile growing rearing it ugly head. "It's pretty sweet!" Joel says finsihing the joke.

Ellie rolls her eyes. "Come on Joel you've got to have better ones!" Ellie complains. So, Joels thinks. "How do you make 7 even?" Joel asks. He's letting in the happiness spark by spark. 'Oh I know this one." Ellie says. Surpisingliy to Joel she get's it right. It reminds him of Sarah always a quick wit. "All you have to do is take the s away!" "Shit kid, you actually got that! Are you pulling my leg with these dad jokes?" Joel asks Ellie. She smiles and for a second there's a whole different person in the passenger seat next to him.

"Maybe Joel, but can you tell me one more?" Ellie asks a yawn interuptting her towards the end. "Sure kid." joel says. He starts thinking.

He's trying to think of one that will get a laugh out of Ellie. A deep, belly aching type of laugh out of her. He wants to see that same smile on Ellie face that he hadn't seen in more then twenty years. Joel wants to feel like he isn't here in the truck waiting and listening out for clickers or anything else that might be hauntig the both of them.

he wants to live in a dream for just a little longer. Joel wants to think and beilive that he's just driving across the country trying to find allthe best features that the country has to give. "okay Ellie, one more. Here we go," He looks over at her once more.

"I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate." Joel can see the qucik looks cross over Ellie face, and then she's laughing. For what reason Joel doens't care. She laughng probably something she's never done not like this. She's a pure child, and for the first time in forever and a decade.

Joel feels happiness wrap around his cold heart.

Completed on: 02/22/23

Posted on: 02/22/23

Last Of Us-

A/n- This got out of hand, but I hope you enjoy a cute father x daughter between Joel and Ellie

[jollyinha]

50 (+3) Facts About My Rook Listener (aka Félix)!

Because I love him in a hiperfocus kind of way 😭💙 If you want to see how he looks like, go to my yuurivoice tag, and you will find all my listeners! Although I probably should make an updated version, he has gotten a 2.0 version ever since... Also, tagging @itsargyle since they suggested taking other YV fans! I'm... Too shy to tag anyone else tho lmao

Anyway, here goes my big infodump on my favorite sunshine boy:

1 - Hey, I'm Félix Torres... Or not, because that's my middle name, and my actual name is Victor. But I'm not that fond of Victor, so I go by Félix!

2 - Victor was my mom's grandpa's name, and Félix is a tribute to my dad, whose name was Feliciano.

3 - Thanks to the acute accent, the correct pronunciation of Félix would be "feh-liks", not "fee-liks". Oh, and the "c" in Victor is mute. It's Vitor. But sometimes even I forget that it isn't supposed to be spelled like the gringos do, haha!

4 - My mom is Brazilian and my dad was Colombian. I was born in Brazil (Aracaju in Sergipe, to be more specific), but have been living in the USA for most of my life now. I used to spend the holidays in Colombia as a kid, but haven't been there ever since dad passed away... I really should pay it a visit again soon, though. It's a real nice country.

5 - I speak native Portuguese, fluent English and intermediary Spanish. I've been studying ASL (as of right now I just know basic stuff like "hi", "how are you?", how to introduce myself... But hey, at least I know the whole alphabet off the top of my head!) and French too, but it has been hard to find some free time... And when I do have it, I always end up drawing, crafting, cooking... Duolingo's owl wants to eat my ass.

6 - Speaking of which, these are my favorite hobbies! Drawing and painting are main passions in life, though. I've been in love with art as far as I can remember. I was in a few-years-long hiatus when it came to painting, only came back to it recently, but have been drawing non-stop ever since I was a little boy!

7 - When it comes to crafting, I enjoy many aspects of it... I've been really into papercraft these days. Origami, paper dolls, collages... But I also really like jewelry making and fabric painting (even if I find it so damn hard, haha!). I just love personalizing things in general. Sometimes, I see a piece of furniture, have an idea and just have to put my personal touch.

8 - I also know how to sew, but I can't say that I'm a big fan. I've tried crochet once, per example, and almost fell asleep on the couch. It's just a bit boring to me... But I'll gladly sew back a button or fix a hole if you ask nicely!

9 - And, last but not least, I love cooking! Not as much as I love to eat, but anyway. I picked up cooking as a way to deal with my pyrophobia and to bond with my uncle (he owns a restaurant!), and really took a liking to it... And modesty aside, I'm damn good at it!

10 - Speaking of which... I'm a bit of a bottomless pit when it comes to food! I'll eat (mostly) anything, am willing to try (mostly) everything and am hungry 24/7. Please, feed me.

11 - My favorite food is kind of specific, but: I love Thanksgiving pies. And breakfast foods. But anything that's chicken or has corn is also very damn good.

12 - I don't really like fruits. Most of them feel either bland (apples taste like NOTHING!) or straight up gross. I hate, HATE peach. Mango, guaba and pineapple too. Disgusting. I'm team vegetables all the way. Lemon and watermelon are the only ones that get a pass.

13 - My favorite ice cream favorite is chocomint!

14 - When it comes to drinks... I like coffee, as long as it has milk and unholy amounts of sugar (hate bitter coffee, as contradictory as it is). And while I'm not too big on alcoholic drinks, I like champagne.

15 - I also like biking, but, much like studying ASL and French, I don't have enough free time nowadays to really get into it again... But I try to bike every weekend I can!

16 - As a kid, I was in singing classes! I really enjoyed it and was pretty decent at it, but nowadays I do it just for fun. Love singing and listening to music around the house while doing other things.

17 - I have eight tattoos on total: Flower sleeves on both arms (featuring a clock among the flowers on the left arm and a bird on the right), music player symbols on the left side of my chest, "keep going" on the right side, an anchor on my upper back, a sun and a crescent moon on my lower back, a sea monster's tentacles going through my right hip and a paper plane on my left ankle!

18 - I also have a bunch of moles. On my face, on my back and on my chest. I used to be embarrassed by them, but nowadays, not nearly as much.

19 - I have been dyeing my hair blonde ever since college. I'm actually a brunette! I like being a blondie, but I'm considering going back to my roots... My hair is screaming for help. [He goes back to being a brunette and lets his hair grow after the events of Escape]

20 - Oh yeah, speaking of college... I have a Law degree. And am working on this field. Ya-hoo... Unfortunately, I needed a more lucrative career to support my family. But my long-term life goal is to be able to quit and live from art! And I like to believe I'm almost there.

21 - I pierced my ears in college too! I usually only wear my lucky sun earrings, but if I'm feeling fancy, I can go with a larger one.

22 - I considered becoming an English major for a while, but didn't happen either.

23 - I have a weird love for plaid jackets (of any color, but especially blue ones) and grungy bracelets. If you wanna give me anything that's wearable, going with either of these is the safest bet! Can't ever have enough of these!

24 - My favorite animals are octopuses (I had an obsession with sea monsters as a kid and this love never really died) and peacocks (they're just awesome)!

25 - My lucky number is sixteen, because my birthday is on February 16th, and because if you put "Félix Victor" together, there's a sixteen in Roman numerals right in the middle: XVI!

26 - Also, I'm 30 as of 2024, and... It's terrifying, to be honest. Buuut I'll find comfort on the fact that I look like I'm 20, hehe.

27 - This one will be hard to explain, but... I really like the sun. From summer to sunflowers to sun imageries... I like the sun. And all because of my dad. It's a long history, but yeah.

28 - I have a younger sister, her name is Alice! She's in college right now, she's History major! And... She's my pride and joy.

29 - And I also have five younger cousins: Ariel, Rafael, Leon, Joyce and Mercedes! I love them all, they're like my siblings. [Joyce is actually my Sunflower listener!]

30 - I... Have a... Weird relationship with my mom. It has been getting worse these last few years... Ah, nevermind, I shouldn't have brought this up.

31 - I had three relationships in my life... Well, three and a half, if you count that high school fling, but I digress: My first boyfriend lasted, like, half a year of my freshman year in college. It was nice, we just realized quickly that neither of us were serious. And my second boyfriend... Ergh. Tristan. We began dating in my junior year, and had a pretty messy break-up right after my graduation...

32 - ...But, nearly a whole decade after that, he sent me a DM on Instagram asking me how I was, and I mistakenly thought he became a decent human being. Hell, he was the one who got me my current job. He works in the Marketing department and was kind enough to tell me that Legal was hiring. I thought that we could at least be friends again, but... He's still a pain in the ass, at the end of the day. And still wants me back. ERGH...

33 - ...But, actually, I should thank him for that. Ironically, by trying to get back with me, he got me my third and current boyfriend... And... I won't talk too much about our relationship, but... This is the happiest I've ever been with someone. I mean it.

34 - Ok, how do I say this? I... Have been told that I... Have a pretty high libido. Or, if you want to be meaner, I'm a horny bastard. I... Will not elaborate if that's true or not. [It Is Literally Canonical]

35 - But even if I WAS a horny bastard, I'm a romantic at heart, believe it or not! I like being swept off my feet! I like flowers! I like cheesy pick-up lines! I like cuddles, god, I really like cuddles... Anyway.

36 - I'm a petite lil' guy. I'm 1m69cm tall... Or 5'8ft.

37 - I have ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was 20. I've been taking meds to help with my lack of focus, and it really has been helping.

38 - I also have insomnia. It isn't as bad as it was a few years ago, but it still sucks.

39 - My favorite song of all time is "Don't Stop (Color on the Walls)" by Foster The People!

40 - My favorite movie of all time... It's a tie between Footloose and Burlesque.

41 - My favorite animated movie of all time is Ponyo!

42 - My MBTI is ENFP, my Enneagram is 2w3, and I'm an Aquarius!

43 - In my opinion, my biggest strengths as a person are that I'm pretty charming, I can get along with nearly any kind of person (given enough time), and that I'm notoriously hard to piss off. As long as you're not messing with my loved ones, it takes A LOT to make me actually angry.

44 - And my weaknesses... Well, I let people get away with stepping all over me pretty frequently... And I'm very restless. And I don't mean only physically, I mean like... Mentally. I feel like I'm a shark: If I stop moving, I'll die, y’know? Oh, I've been told that I can be pretty shameless and a bit nosy... And, welp. I... Can't really deny that.

45 - I hate the cold. I hate winter. I hate snow. Fuck you, northern hemisphere.

46 - I really like sitting on the floor, ever since I was a little boy. It just... Grounds me. No pun intended.

47 - My favorite color is blue, but yellow and orange are also lovely... And I've been getting real fond of red these days. Hehe (Can't believe that it took me this long to say my favorite color, we're on fact 47th...).

48 - I'm a dog person! I never got to have one, though...

49 - I, not-so-secretly, really like cute things. I may or may not have a big octopus plushie on my bed. And may or may not love Pompompurin and Gudetama.

50 - I'm overall pretty confident on my looks... Except for my smile and my laugh. My ex-boyfriend (Tristan) once said that my smile is wide enough to be scary, and my mom said that my laugh is too loud, and I've been restraining myself from truly smiling and laughing out loud in public ever since. But I tend to let go when near people I trust.

51 (bonus!) - I have a very sensitive neck... Now, if I see it as a good thing or a bad thing... Depends on what your intentions are... If you know what I mean.

52 (bonus!)² - I'm also pretty great at typing. My words per minute game is insane, modesty aside.

53 (bonus!)³ - I... Can be a little bit jealous when I'm dating someone. I was never a pain in the ass about it, I mostly just sulk in silence, but... Yeah. It's my toxic trait.

[avacynthia]

I'm dying to know — are your portrayals of Cynthia and Barry connected in anyway? If so, what is their relationship like? Do you have any headcanons regarding Cynthia's connection with Dawn, Lucas and or Barry that you'd like to share? What does she think of them?

First off, THANK YOU for the wonderful question ashford!! I really appreciate it. Shoutouts to you, @gogogobarry (me, hee hee), @distortsverity, @timebranded, @dawnedon and ALL the lovely DPPT protags that I've gotten to write with over time.😊

And the short answer is: yes!! Cynthia's relationship with Barry and the other protagonists is something that I've been mulling over since the beginning of time (move over, Dialga)...so I have a few major thoughts on how Cynthia views all of them.

Most importantly, Cynthia views the protagonists' entanglement with Galactic--and the Galactic arc in sum--as her biggest, most shameful failure. She allowed Cyrus to pull the wool over her eyes regarding Galactic's schemes, and almost lost everything as a result, too busy/preoccupied to notice what was happening right under her nose. If she had been more present, could she have prevented the Lake Valor bombing? The creation of the Red Chain? Perhaps. However, Dawn/Hikari, Lucas, and Barry should have never carried any of that burden, or dealt with any of those problems, to begin with. They were just kids.

The guilt--god, that overwhelming guilt--despite her sessions with Fumiko, Riley, and a few scattered (ultimately unhelpful) therapists, those memories (Galactic's scars) still keep her up deep into the night, cursing her shortsightedness. She had been so obsessed with Sinnoh's rise, that she'd lost sight of those--with good intentions and bad--still on the ground.

Though portrayals view them differently, the Spear Pillar/Distortion World events undoubtedly left the young protags with damage. Trauma. Cynthia (champion or not, depending on timeline) now views their collective well-being as her responsibility. If they need to talk, she'll listen, even if she has to rearrange her entire schedule to do so. She's not a hoverer, but she'll make sure to check in on all of them with comfortable regularity, just ensuring that everything's okay. Cynthia owes them that much, at the very least.

Barry's can-do attitude and sunshiny personality are always appreciated, but Cynthia is there to support him all the same, even if that means hearing out some truly wild business pitches or throwing down for an exhilarating rematch. Or ten.

For the player characters, Cynthia remembers feeling truly useless atop the Pillar, bombarded by confusing visions of past, present and future. Within the Distortion, an overwhelmed Cynthia had relied on Dawn/Hikari/Lucas once again, and they triumphed over Cyrus, one last time. (She had asked too much of them then, and she is still haunted by it. She'll never forget the frustrating helplessness that she had felt in that void...)

Nowadays, Cynthia is making up for lost time. Whenever the protagonists (or really anyone) needs her, they'll find a reliable pillar of strength. Attentive, thoughtful, and--though her eyes still wander skyward on occasion--grounded in the moment. A shining inspirational beacon for all of Sinnoh to look up to.

To become stronger, Cynthia has steeled a part of herself, becoming more private and guarded, trying her best to ignore the tantalizing memory of the divine spark that had shocked her atop the Pillar back then. She maintains a selfless vigil over the protagonists and all of Sinnoh, because it is her duty. Because it is her penance.

Cynthia cannot afford to fail again. The weight of a region rests on her shoulders, and she wouldn't have it any other way. She can take this.

She will keep watch.

[infinityactual]

Ngl, being (apparently exactly) half your age is fun because making people about my mom's age feel Old is enrichment for me (love u, have a nice day)

Hey man I love feelin old.

It's funny, growing up undiagnosed autistic and adhd in an abusive, authoritarian household really messed up my perception of what growing up is like. I have since officially cut contact with my abusive family (they didn't even react aside from signing the registered mail receipt lolololol) but even before that, I often thought a lot about what its like being in my thirties.

(Brief mentions of assault and abuse below he cut, nothing detailed just mentions as examples for context. This got a little rambly, I've had a lot on my mind regarding age the last few years.)

And being that old? It's. Not different. The phrase 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' never really made sense to me as a kid, but it hits home nowadays. I'm still me, but between growing and learning as I age and the realization that I'm probably not who I was told I was, it makes sense. I change. But I stay the same. It's like adding extra paint to a canvas. It's still a canvas, but there's more to it now. It will always be a canvas, but it's a canvas that is also different than it was before. It's changed, but it's the same.

My mom is one of those people who (literally at times) beat into me that if you got assaulted or raped or murdered, it was somehow YOUR fault for being too stupid or dressing too provocative or some other bullshit reason, and that I was sooo trusting and sooo stupid that I would probably end up dead before I hit 25.

And being on the spectrum and adhd and...well, a fuckin CHILD, I believed it.

It took three therapists and a psychiatrist, plus pretty much everyone I talk to going "Uh hey [x] isn't normal, that's abuse and you probably have [y] issues" for it to really sink in that my mother was wrong. That happened in 2020, right at the start of lockdown. Almost 5 years later and I still get kicked in the head with past traumas. I'm still sorting everything out. It's gonna take a while.

But I'm 38. Over a decade past the age when I thought I'd be dead. And only this year after deciding not to let the trauma and bad memories surrounding my birthday did I really understand how fucked up it is to fully expect to be dead at a young age without any sort of preexisting issues going on (it's also not a good way to live if you DO have medical issues that could kill you, but that is not what I'm getting into today).

I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's not a 'my death could happen any second' feeling, it's a more insidious 'what if my death comes from my spouse, whom I love and trust implicitly?' thing, with an added feeling of anxiety because on bad brain days I try to look for red flags where there are none.

And the real kicker: that sort of trust was already violated when I was a toddler, possibly younger, and kept being violated till I left home.

It's a lot to think about. Like several boxes of puzzles all dumped on the floor at once. I pick through the pieces, sometimes things click, but mostly it's just a mess.

But I am glad I lived. I'm glad that I am still here to prove that I'm not 'too stupid' to survive. I like being the server dinosaur on Discord. I like being there for younger folks who went through or still are in the shit. Cos I'm proof it gets better. I'm proof that abusers are liars and so are the mental problems abuse instills in a mind. They're liars that tell you horrible things. I argue back. I have gotten into the habit of responding to the thoughts in my mother's voice yelling at me by telling her she can fuck off.

She can fuck off and I'll still be here loving the same shit I did in school. In fact, things I loved have been coming back to me. I'm still me, but I've changed. The only thing adult about me is my age and that I have bills and taxes. I've cultivated patience. Learned that I was never wrong to give kindness and expect it in return. I've grown. And I love being old.

[my-wishful-purpose]

You may not want communication or to confront the ugly truth, but its corpse is practically rotting in whatever room we're both in at the same time. You want me to be honest? Fine. So be it.

I'm tired—exhausted, even—of you. It's always been you and your willingness to turn a blind eye to our festering problems, to get defensive and pissed when I so much as bring anything up anymore. You're tired of me and everything I don't talk about, and I the same. You're tired of my self destructive behavior and how I'm quick to wish to kill myself when I feel as though things are out of my control. I understand that.

You don't get any choices anymore—not that you wanted them to begin with, and I've given you too many to count at this point. If you want me making decisions on your behalf, then I will. Gladly, if I'm being honest with myself here. Therefore, I believe it's best if we take a little break for awhile. Just as a refresher.

There's no real care in your end of the relationship, isn't it? No matter how much I try, you bare your fangs. Such an aggressive stance to take, really. Not that you can help it, given your nature.

I should've known better. I should've known we'd never truly last—I mean, since when has it ever worked out in any other universes?—I should've known that a marriage built on the remains of beer bottles and glasses of wine would end up going absolutely nowhere. Alcohol messed with my mind back then. I don't even know what I was thinking.

Nonetheless, there's no love lost. Well. Not for me, at least. I imagine by the time you read up to this point, you'll either want to snap my neck yourself or you'll be numb while staring at these words. Oh, yes, I know you well. A mix of anger and despair, most likely. I don't hate you. Never have. Not sure if you'll believe me by now, but I've never been quite able to bring myself to hate you, no matter how frustrated I've gotten with you as of late.

Oh well.

I do care, I do love you still. Nothing's been signed, if you're worried about that. I'll leave you to hash out those details if you so wish—Ah, a contradiction to what I mentioned earlier, isn't it? You should know by now that I'm contradictory—but nothing has been set into motion to officially separate us. Furthermore, I've still kept my ring—altough I admit it's hidden from mine and everyone else's view now, since it remains on my person in my pocket nowadays. On a different note, I'm not sure about this whole 'having kids' thing. We're definitely not suited for it, and given how I feel already,,I probably need something to get rid of just to feel something, anything. A void that can be filled with other things—more ungodly alcohol, I presume, since I've been considering it anyways. Wouldn't do any good with children, would it?

You won't like this next one—Oh, but since when have you liked anything I've done?—but when you're in my office, keep your distance. Assumimg I'm still alive after all of this, any area not immediately around me is fair game. You'll still be able to protect me and act as my right hand, even from there. Although... do you even want to protect me at this point? God, I'd rather just have you strangle me to death with your bare hands and take my seat as the boss. Or you could ravage the place to the damn ground. I'm indifferent on what you personally choose. Don't assume my apathy is a constant, though. I'm at my wit's end here.

Lastly, I'd like to apologize. Just in general for everything.

In any case, I hope this... whatever it is... finds you well.

Farewell, Chuuya.

(@yearningfortheend)

. . .

[storm-and-starlight]

Top Nine No Skip Albums (as tagged by @heronfem), organized in favorite album order! I just straight up don't listen to music by album (and am also truly ridiculously picky about stuff) so this was. a lot harder than I was expecting! (this isn't so much "top nine no-skip albums" as "literally the only nine albums I can think of that I don't skip any songs on" lmao)

Tagging anyone else who'd like to do this, just tag me back so I can see!

How to Train Your Dragon OST by John Powell HTTYD my best beloved. I watched this movie when I was seven years old, got Test Drive stuck in my head and Forbidden Friendship stuck in my heart and haven't gotten either of them out since. I know it's not teeeeeeechnically an album, but I love it anyways and it holds an incredibly special place in my heart. Favorite song: Forbidden Friendship

Save Rock and Roll by Fall Out Boy The yearning... the yearning. Something about the nostalgia and the ache and the... the everything about this album sank into me. Alone Together is the song that got me to actually start listening to Fall Out Boy's entire discography, and we all know how that went. Favorite Song: Alone Together

Love Run by The Amazing Devil I just. I love this album so much, with all its motifs and melodies and intertwining songs. It's chaotic and beautiful and I will never get over how every single song but the last is about love going wrong in some way and yet the chorus of the very last song is love's worth running to. Favorite Song: Love Run (Reprise)

Vices & Virtues by Panic! at the Disco A collection of Absolute Bops and also The Yearning (Panic! version) and it's just. It's fun! The music clicks exactly with my brain in both a melodic and emotional sense, and that is extremely rare for an entire album to pull off. Favorite Song: This one's from the bonus songs that I think you can only find nowadays on Youtube, but it's Stall Me!

Masterharper of Pern by Tania Opland So this is a published CD of filk music based off the songs and poetry from the Dragonriders of Pern books, and. look. I like medieval-inspired folk. That's what this is. It's also about a book series that was extremely formative for my love of dragons, so just like. It's good. I like it. Favorite Song: Star Stone

Inside by Bo Burnham Every single song on this album is simultaneously an Absolute Banger and an Absolute Mood (which is everything Bo Burnham writes, really, but this one especially). That Funny Feeling is the best example of what it's like to be alive when it feels like the world is collapsing down around you that I've ever found. Favorite Song: That Funny Feeling

Ola Gjeilo by Ola Gjeilo Ola Gjeilo is probably my all-time favorite choral composer -- he does such fun things with harmony without being boring like some people (*cough* Whitacre *cough*) can be. Favorite Song: The Lake Isle

PTX, Vol. III by Pentatonix I went through a massive PTX phase in middle school (I was a preteen choir kid, what were you expecting), and this is one of the albums that stuck around. Favorite Song: Rather Be

Artificial Intelligence by Tom Cardy Every single song this man has ever produced is absolutely fucking flawless and I have nothing else to say. Favorite Song: Read Between the Lines

[nerves-nebula]

Ok I've already talked about how your Donnie is just like me fr but Splinter taking all of his things really made me actually think about how my parents would threaten to do the same. I haven't thought about it in a long while but my parent's go to punishment was to threaten to throw away all of my things. They never actually went through with it but there were times when my dad would take a big trash bag and start putting my things in it. All the while my little child self (age 4-12) would be screaming and crying and pulling on him until he would "give in" (they never planned to actually take anything, just traumatize me) and dump everything out on my bed.

It also reminded me of how my mom would go into my room when she was pissed at me and throw shit around. Like, if there was stuff on my floor or on my window seat she would toss it every where, specifically on my bed. She mostly did this if she wanted me to clean my room, because in her mind if she made an even bigger mess then I'd have to clean it up. Jokes on her though because nowadays cleaning my room brings me so many negative emotions that I avoid doing it at all costs. So I forever live in filth >:)

Sorry for rambling but your post really just made me stop and think about how messed up that was. Because for years I thought that all parents must do that from time to time. And since mine never went through with it it must not actually be bad. So it was pretty nice to have someone call out that shitty behavior. Thanks bestie (⁠づ⁠｡⁠◕⁠‿⁠‿⁠◕⁠｡⁠)⁠づ

what is it with moms and traumatizing you into living in filth?? my mom did that too, though not so much later on (she got too busy to care I think) but she'd get really, really mad and be like "ok FINE I'LL DO IT FOR YOU" and rummage through our room "cleaning" for us but really just moving everything around and getting annoyed when we told her to stop cause she didn't know where things belonged/which things were important.

and obviously she'd say then WE should clean our room but like,,, we don't care about it being dirty. you're the one making up this whole issue ??

and its not like HER room was even that much cleaner than ours fasfashdhughdugs

anyway, i've gotten more into like, the ABUSE abuse in this AU recently, but there's a reason I called it neglected turtles and not abused turtles (other than TMNT acronym). i think a lot of the stuff im talking about here happens and people don't recognize it as the abuse it is. i personally relate to the label of neglect more, cause as much as the stuff my parents DID do sucked, a lot of the situation had to do with what they DIDN'T do.

we had food, but weren't always fed. we had bathrooms but weren't really taught hygiene. we had books and could read, but weren't taught the days of the week or the order of the months. and yet we were expected to fully know all of these things anyway.

and i think that's abusive, yes, but i feel like its abusive the way pretending to throw out your kids stuff is abusive. or yelling at them and tossing around their shit is abusive. which is to say, not technically bad enough on its own to get you taken away or anything, but certainly deeply damaging in a way i don't see talked about a lot. so im talking about it. cause its my blog and i want to!

AHH but now I'M the one rambling. idk if what I'm trying to say here makes sense haha, but even if every parent did that from time to time it'd still be shitty.

[calliethetrekkie]

Star Trek TOS S01E11: Miri

Original Thoughts

"Miri was very much one of those ‘don’t watch during a pandemic’ episodes due to it involving a spreading disease and all. Also thinking that maybe this was what inspired Children of the Corn. But yeah, it was meh. Not horrible, but not great either. My biggest issue is how Miri betrayed the group just because she was jealous of Rand. But TBF Jim sweet-talking probably didn’t help and while he DOES have a mostly good reason for it and it was mostly just sweet-talking with nothing gross intended, it just looks SO wrong nowadays. Likely unintentional and they DID need her help to figure out what was going on and her crush on Kirk was the best place to appeal to her and again nothing gross behind anything, but yeah another sign of the show’s age cause that would NOT fly nowadays. But mainly the whole disease thing while we’re nearing a year into the pandemic… didn’t help make me get into the episode. It’s okay, but not one to revisit for a good while."

(Original Post)

Rewatch Thoughts

I've been feeling mixed about coming back to this one. On the one hand, it has one of my favorite Spones scenes ever (I hadn't gotten into the ship yet, hence why the original post doesn't mention it). On the other hand, it's Kirk manipulating a girl who is physically and mentally a young teenager. Do I even need to explain how f-ed up that is? But I expected to hate episodes like Charlie X on rewatch, and I didn't. Plus, I'm watching this as the pandemic has cooled down, at least in comparison to early 2021. So, how did this one fair this time around?

Eeeeeehhhhh?

It's not horrible, but I didn't really care for it either? There's stuff I like, but a lot of it is just... icky. I liked the scenes with the Triumvirate and he overall atmosphere, but most everything else... just didn't do it for me.

Having kid actors can go various ways. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It worked here, the kids come across as creepy as you'd expect after being stuck alone for 300 years. Which that in and of itself is confusing as heck. I don't know, the scenes do their job I guess, but it's just not my thing. Like I said in the original post, it gives me major Children of the Corn vibes, and that just is not my thing.

There's also the matter of Miri herself. Reading back through my old watchthrough... I was really hard on her, and I shouldn't have been. This is a young kid, whose been alone for who knows how long in an incredibly unstable world where the adults are all dead and others are slowly turning the same way, herself included. Of course she'd be willing to betray the adults because she saw Kirk with Rand. She's a confused child who is being used by said adults. Plus, she's very clearly in denial about the disease, which I failed to take into account the last time. When rewatching this, I just felt pity for the poor girl.

That being said, there are several things with Miri and the kids that I don't like. The implications that puberty means you don't like the stuff you did as a kid is annoying, but I'll let that slide. The biggest issue honestly is Kirk himself. I love the man... but Dear God this might be him at his most awful thus far. I know he's playing into Miri's crush for the sake of saving himself and the others, and he doesn't do anything gross. But even knowing that, it just feels so freakin' wrong. And no, Miri actually being hundreds of years old does not deter anything because she is very clearly still a teenager mentally. Again, I understand why, but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable to watch.

Really, I'd have probably been fine had they just had the Landing Party beam onto an Earth-like world, unaware that a disease either killed everyone or drove them insane. Then they have to try and figure out a cure to save themselves while dealing with the monstrous survivors and to not lose themselves to the virus. That can still make for a good plot and keep the drama since you could have Kirk and McCoy at each other's throats, Spock being the only one immune/not going insane trying to keep everything together, etc. You can still have the aging virus and the implications as you imagine what had to have happened to the kids without adults and that the survivors are most likely the surviving older kids that have now turned. It could be the ST equivalent of a zombie apocalypse, at least in setting and atmosphere. That would have been a Hell of a lot better than 'Kirk manipulates a 300-year-old teenage girl' and allowed for some good character/thriller drama. I'm just saying.

While I think she has one or two more appearances after this, this is as I recall Rand's last major episode, so I feel that this is a good time to voice my thoughts about her. I really I just feel bad for her. She's crushing on a man who's going to choose to be a captain first, had a really horrible encounter with said man a few episodes ago, and really just thinking about this episode, The Enemy Within, and Charlie X, her time on the Enterprise feels like a nightmare. It's worse if you know why her actress left the show, which makes it all the more disgusting to look back at. I liked Rand well enough, and I'm disappointed that she was wasted like she was. But I also don't know what else she could have done since Spock and McCoy are around for Jim to talk with and otherwise doesn't have much purpose except as Kirk's possible love interest. One that we know he wuldn't be able to commit to. The worst part is that the show really lost nothing when she left, which just shows how much they really didn't care at the end of the day. Hopefully her time later under Sulu's command was better.

Spock and McCoy were the best part of this episode, bar none. They're not as in focus as Kirk, but they have some of the best moments. The scenes with just them and Kirk interacting (and Rand) were fantastic, with Shatner, Nimoy, and Kelley bouncing off each other so well. Even small moments like McCoy lingering with the broken tricycle? Such excellent bits that add so much to the characters. Of course the best Spock/McCoy scene, and the best scene of the whole episode tbh, is at the end when McCoy injects himself with the untested vaccine. He knew full well that what he was doing was dangerous, but there's no time left, and the episode has made it painfully clear that he's going to be the one who goes insane from the disease first. If it works, then they're saved. If not and he dies, at least they'll know, and he won't be able to hurt anyone. This is such a defining moment for him.

Spock of course disagreed because it was too dangerous, but as soon as he's gone, McCoy does it. Spock checks his vitals before grasping onto his hands, watching his face and staying there even when Jim comes back and even as the marks fade. Watching McCOy is one thing, but holding his hands? Were's the logic there Spock? The two bicker, and bicker even more as the show continues. Even here, Spock couldn't help but try to prod at McCoy (and yes, he started it) just because McCoy said the disease didn't like green blood, but as soon as it looks like the doctor may die? He's right there and doesn't leave him until most likely McCoy regained consciousness, or they were able to beam him up now that he was cured. Now that's a missing scene I'd have loved to have seen. This is the section of S1 where we really start establishing the Spock and McCoy relationship a lot more, and this was by far one of those moments.

But is that enough to make me like the episode as a whole? Mmm... no. There's enough scattered moments to keep it from rating lower than Mudd's Women, but it doesn't make me want to watch it outside those moments either. Even without the pandemic, the episode made me uncomfortable and unlike The Enemy Within, where it's just one or two scenes that happen early on, it doesn't have enough to make me willing to sit through it. There's certainly good in it, but overall? It's a pass for me.

Original Rating: 3/5 Rewatch Rating: 5/10

[My TOS Reviews]

[TOS S1 Reviews]

[Previous Review] / [Next Review]

[incomingalbatross]

Amphibia Platonic Soulmates Ch. 2 (Draft): ✨Communication✨

(Prologue and Ch. 1 on AO3 here)

I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out what else this installment needs to feel like a complete chapter to me, but I like what I DO have so for now I'm sharing it as-is.

---

Having a soulmate, it turned out, really did live up to the stories. Over the next couple of weeks, Anne and Sprig fell into an effortless rhythm with each other—getting in trouble, supporting each other, having fun, solving problems, and all as easily as if they could read each others’ minds. Even chores went better!

Of course, this being Wartwood, somebody had to come by and try to dump cold water on them. In this case, even the town weirdo apparently thought they were weird.

“A frog child and a monster from the woods, getting along? So unnatural.” One-Eyed Wally shuddered one last time and wandered off, squeezing ominous tones out of his accordion.

Sprig stuck his tongue out behind his back. “Aw, what does he know?”

Anne nudged him, eyes bright with mischief when he looked up. “Well, we know something he doesn't,” she sing-songed. “Right, buddy?”

“Ha!” Sprig’s annoyance evaporated. “Yeah we do.” He winked.

“And they don't even think we can be friends,” Anne scoffed. “We'll just have to show ‘em all!”

“With the power of FRIENDSHIP. And our deep unspoken bond!”

“Exactly.”

They shared a satisfied nod, perfectly in tune with each other. As always.

---

“But where’s Anne gonna sleep till the basement gets fixed?”

“Ooh! Ooh! That’s easy. She’ll sleep in my room!”

Anne gasped, hands going to her cheeks. “Like sleepovers every night.”

“You know it.” Sprig beamed.

---

Those froggone kids were gonna drive Hop Pop crazy.

Now, it wasn’t that he had any problems with Anne in the usual way of things. Sure, she caused her fair share of trouble, but just in the way rambunctious kid did. She definitely wasn’t a monster with a taste for frog flesh, which had been his main concern, and she’d been surprisingly well-behaved ever since she broke his cane.

And Hop Pop had to admit, it was nice to see Sprig with a real friend his age. That Ivy Sundew used to play with him on occasion, but since the Millipede Incident destroyed the schoolhouse last year and Ivy’d gotten so busy helping her ma at the teashop, they didn’t see so much of each other nowadays. Anne and Sprig, now, were inseparable.

Or they had been. That was just the trouble. Ever since Anne’s room got flooded and she moved in with Sprig, the tempers between those two had been fraying worse than Bessie’s old harness, and neither one of the idiots was even willing to admit there was a problem!

Hop Pop didn’t know why they were so dang set on pretending things were perfect.

---

Sprig was not going insane. He was not.

Sure, being roommates with Anne was…a little more of an adjustment than he had expected. Sure, she stayed up all night with her otherworldly light-box making it too bright to sleep, eating loud snacks while she laughed to herself. Sure, she kept opening the window like she was trying to keep the room at hibernation temperatures. And sure, she never picked up any of her stuff from the floor. But it was fine! Sprig was fine! These were all probably weird human needs he just didn’t understand because they weren’t the same species. The two of them just needed to stick it out and find their groove and they’d be fine.

---

“But we’re friends!” Anne burst out. Hop Pop clearly didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. “We’re SOULMATES!”

His jaw unhinged. “Say whaaaaat?” (It would have been hilarious if everything weren’t terrible right now.)

“We’re soulmates,” Sprig chimed in, eyes welling up pitifully, “and we can’t even share a room together! How are we so bad at this?”

Anne clutched her hair. “I can’t believe I’m failing at being a soulmate after, like, a couple weeks.” It was the worst. She was the worst. They were both the worst—no, that was a super mean thing to say about Sprig, he hadn’t done anything wrong, but sharing a room with him was driving her insane—

“KIDS.” Hop Pop came down the stairs, putting his palms together in front of him, with a very tired look on his face. “First of all, y’can’t fail at bein’ a soulmate. It’s just somethin’ y’are, like bein’ a frog.” He paused. “Or a weird long-leggedy dry-skinned monster!”

“Thanks for the inclusivity, HP.”

“Yer welcome, Anne. Secondly…” He sighed. “Now, I ain’t got personal experience here, but as far as I can see, havin’ a soulmate is just like any other relationship. It doesn’t mean yer gonna get along perfectly all the time. It certainly doesn’t mean yer sleepin’ habits are gonna work with each other!” He looked each of them straight in the eyes, one after the other. Anne gulped uneasily.

“It just means y’can find somethin’ important in each other. But to do that, y’gotta talk! Y’gotta work at it! Just like anything else in this life! Havin’ to talk out some troubles now and then doesn’t mean yer doin’ anythin’ wrong. But actually having the conversation means yer doin’ somethin’ right.”

“…Oh.”

Anne straightened a little, feeling the weight of the world fall off her shoulders. Beside her, Sprig seemed to be feeling the same way.

“So…we shouldn’t worry about not getting along as roomies?” he said hopefully, rubbing one arm.

Hop Pop barked a laugh. “Boy, if you two could get along perfectly all the time I’d be worried about that. Wouldn’t be natural.” He raised the part of his face where his eyebrows should be. “If yer differences didn’t trip y’up, all the ways you’re alike would do it!”

“Whaaaaat?” Anne scoffed, feeling better. “That’s crazy talk, Hop Pop! It was only the ways we were different that messed up the roomie situation.”

“Yeah, being alike is great!”

“Hmm.” Hop Pop looked cynical. “So yer not down here in the middle o’ the night because yer both too stubborn to admit this wasn’t workin’? Or too scared t’risk hurtin’ each other’s feelin’s, even though this situation was driving you both crazy?”

Anne’s mouth hung open for a second. “…Oh.”

“Ohhhhhhh,” Sprig said at the same time.

“Kinda see what’cha mean there, Hop Pop.”

“We may have been stupid in the same ways at the same time,” Sprig chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Havin’ a soulmate is a two-edged sword, kids,” Hop Pop said, turning back toward the stairs. “It means somebody who can understand you better’n anyone—if you both understand yerselves. But it can also mean sharin’ all the same blind spots. Which is why learnin’ and communicatin’ is so important—”

“Yeah, yeah, are we done with the boring stuff now?” Polly interrupted, bouncing up and down on top of his head. “Because I have important questions about this whole soulmate biz. Question one: can you feel each other’s pain??”

“POLLY, NO—!”

---

Later, after Polly had been subdued for the night and Anne had grabbed her blanket and pillows from Sprig’s room, she found herself alone in the living room with Hop Pop. Anne cleared her throat a little nervously.

“So. Um, you’ve actually been really chill about the whole ‘grandson turned out to be soulmates with the alien monster girl he found in the woods’ thing.” Anne chuckled awkwardly. “I…gotta admit, I was a little worried you’d freak out about it.”

“Oh, I’m still adjusting,” Hop Pop assured her, which was actually not reassuring. Then he sighed, and shrugged. “Honestly, part of this is probably the sleep deprivation talkin’, but also? I’m a lot less shocked than I woulda been a couple weeks ago. Yer just a kid, like Sprig, or Polly…now, is it still weird to have a freak o’ nature from another world as a soulmate? Little bit. But I can’t deny you and Sprig are like two scream peas in a pod.”

“…What are scream peas?”

“They’re like regular peas, but they scream. Makes ‘em taste better, somehow! Also a better metaphor fer you’n’Sprig—you do do a lotta screamin’.”

“We do, it’s true!” That made sense.

“Anyway, where was I? …Oh, yes. I can’t deny, it’s a little strange, Anne. But yer just a person, like the rest of us, in a body that happens to be a little stranger’n most. For our world, anyway. I don’t see any reason to kick up a fuss about you’n’Sprig bein’ soulmates—not like either of you decided it, anyway. Just a fact o’ nature, at this point.”

She smiled, feeling warm inside—a good warm, this time, not the suffocating humidity of Sprig’s room. “Thanks, HP.”

“Oh, but I’d still keep it quiet ‘round town fer a bit.” He looked back from halfway up the stairs, frowning. “The townspeople ain’t the most acceptin’ of new ideas—or new people. And they ain’t quite made up their minds you’re not a monster, yet.”

“Good thought, HP.” She flopped back onto the (horrible, horrible, but somehow comfier than it used to be) couch, shooting him a thumbs-up. “That’s what Sprig and me thought.”

“Well, g’night, Anne.”

“Night, HP!”

[weeping-vintage-toes]

I vent way too much on here. Like, I'm sorry, I just need an outlet :,) So I'm venting again - and it's kinda intense. You don't even need to read this.

(Tw: SH & Suicide)

I said in an earlier post that my depression was getting bad again (which is cringe /j). I didn't think it would ever be this bad, though. I am taking care of 2 kids as well as a house cause my mom keeps making excuses on why she's not here. The kids have missed about 2 months of school. It got so bad that the police showed up.

I honestly feel like a failure to my kids. My older brother is a big help, but he's graduating this year. Then, he's moving out right after cause he doesn't wanna be stuck in this shit hole of a home. Can't say I blame him. But that means I'm gonna be stuck here with 2 kids and a house to take care of without a mother figure.

I am failing all except 2 of my classes and can't take care of anyone, not even myself. I can barely even get the energy to wash my face. It's gotten to the point where I only take 1-2 showers a week, when I usually take one every 2-3 days.

I can't cook for shit and the dishes are used up as soon as I wash them. We barely have actual meals cause my mom basically stopped going shopping. She just buys sodas and snacks from the dollar store every week.

I feel like shit all the time, but I can't stop cleaning or doing something around the house cause of how quickly things pile up.

I live with my brother (17), sister (7), cousin (10 m), and mom (if she even counts anymore), and now apparently my aunt is moving in too. I live in a 2 bed 1 bath. There is no room for someone else. I already slept in my moms room with my little sister. (And mom if she's home)

My house is such a shit hole. So, I don't wanna stay there but school is stressful and I cry almost every day there. So, there's literally no escaping my stress and anxiety.

I try and make jokes at school to get away from it all. But it's getting harder and harder to try and keep everything bottled in. I joke about killing myself and shit but sometimes, it genuinely crosses my mind. I would never do it, and those thoughts scare me.

I used to SH about a year ago. It's not some I'm proud of, but it's true. I would like to say I'm clean now, and thankfully, my recovery process was quick. But sometimes I'll catch myself thinking about it. It scares me, but it's happening quite often nowadays.

I have a lot of shit on my plate, and somehow, I'm still supposed to have good grades and stable mental health. My own mother said that I'm definitely not mentally ill. She barely knows who I am anymore.

I'm just so tired. But that doesn't mean I don't have good things in my life. I am so grateful for the two best friends I think I've ever had. They get me through the day, and I love them more than they know. I wish I could let them know just how much I care about them and how much they have impacted my life since I've met them.

I've known one of them for just 2 years, and I only started talking to my boyfriend at the beginning of school. But it feels like I've known them forever. I hope they know how much they really mean to me.

Anyways, sorry for the rant, I've just had those thoughts bottled up for a while and needed to get them out of my system. I've come to find that just talking about my feelings through text is really therapeutic. So that's probably why I talk about my problems so much on here. And it's not like people see these anyways, so it's kinda like my own personal diary that only one other person sees.

So, again, sorry for the long ass rant. I hope you have a lovely night or day. Mwah <3 gn lovelies.

[dreamkitten]

Im new to tumblr, so im sorry if the formatting or anything is weird. But i wanted to post my opinions because i feel like a lot of people have a very narrowed way of looking at things.

Theres a deeper reasoning as to why children crave life pre covid, and by children i mean preteens or teenagers. Im 15 btw.

Ive seen many videos on the internet romanticizing 2016 and 2014 (mainly posted by kids my age), and a lot of people who were teens in that time period think it's absolutely ridiculous.

Even though kids are mainly romanizing the aesthetics, they also crave that feeling that the 2010s had. Things were less expensive and the music was so much more cheerful.

But also, nowadays the internet is much more suffocating. Everything we have is on here, school, photos, friends, hobbies etc. Ive never had the experience of meeting kids in my neighborhood, because we weren't allowed to go outside because of the dangers.

Honestly i blame the internet for that too, although its great that i can see all the crimes and pedophiles in my area, im not allowed to go outside now.

A lot of my friends arent allowed to hang out afterschool, and if they do their parents literally follow them in their car. So i guess i blame strict parents too.

But the world isnt more dangerous, we are more aware of the danger. America is much less dangerous than it was 20 years ago, and yet kids go outside less.

Social media is so toxic now too. although cyber bullying has always been a problem, it feels like ive been seeing an influx of it the past few years. It feels like every video i see has "cringe" or "this just pmo" under it, and i know theres always been comments like this but its gotten so bad that theres no uniqueness in anyones posts.

And because so many children rely on the internet for their style, they aren't unique either. The amount of people at my school that all dress the same is crazy, and i mean its cute, but wheres the personality?

Basically, kids my age are craving a life where the internet is free, and theres less pressure from the outside world. We WANT to hang out with our friends, but we CANT. We want to go to the beach and do cliche 2014 activities but we CANT.

Dont even get me started on how the romantization of over consumption as affected the youth. Especially girls.

People can wear what they like, but 12/13 year old girls typically DONT have have full faces of makeup, new nail sets every 2 weeks, long haircare and skincare routines (when it isn't necessary), and like new shoes every season.. These used to be considered LUXURY, but now because of trends and the pressure to be beautiful, young girls feel the need to conform to these.

some girls do this entirely out of freewill, but what they consume online also contributes to this.

In the early 2010s most people posting were young adults or teens, but now i mainly see young adults and fully grown adults. People with children, have graduated from college, etc.

Not necessarily a bad thing that they post, but kids mimic what they see. And since they are seeing 25 year olds with fake lashes and 17 step haircare routines, they want to do that too.

Which explains the whole "sephora kid thing"

But yeah.. kids want freedom. the 2010s provided that.

[beautifulnightmareunknown]

A couple of angry thoughts

So, im recently going through a friend break up. naturally i was doing my creeping on social media. well. i unfriended them both on everything and their accounts are private so i have absolutely nothing to creep on. i was on tiktok and one of them reposted a few videos pertaining to bad friends and all this and that. first off: i did not stop being your friend because of my boyfriend. B had stated in a message to me that ever since i have gotten into my current relationship that i have been hard to hangout with, talk to, and all this and that. not true. i have been in my relationship since december 2023. and WHILE in my relationship i have went to her kids basketball games, baseball games, have had sleep overs, double dates, facetimed/texted her and even drove to her house after work to hangout with her. we stopped texting and facetiming because her boyfriend went through her phone and she was terrified to text any of her friends and say something wrong for him to find. thats why we stopped texting. we stopped facetiming because she was constantly on the phone with him after work or hanging out with him. we stopped hanging out so much because it was always me going to her or picking her up. i got so fed up with one sided friendships that i just stopped. and now shes trying to blame it all on me getting a boyfriend when the only time i do see my friend is friday-sunday. so that was a bullshit excuse because she cant own up to the fact that once i stopped putting in the effort our friendship crumbled. thats not just on me. and now shes acting victim. i dont feel bad. i will never feel bad for leaving a one sided relationship and i dont care who you are. if you put in effort or even fucking try to put in effort then sure but proven this was one sided is the fact that when i stopped so did the friendship. so no. i do not feel bad.

now as for the other friend. good lord. i dont even think i have words. her and i have been through life together. friends since kindergarten. through highs and lows, you name it and i bet we have been through it together. she recently sent me a text on her birthday pissed that i didnt tell her happy birthday. mind you, she has let not only b, but her girlfriend as well, happily talk shit about me. no thanks on that friendship. also, i havent talked to her in over 2 weeks at this point. we arent on good terms. why tf would i be fake and wish her happy birthday. youre a grown ass adult why tf do you care who does and does not wish you happy birthday. lord forgive those who dont in her eyes. anyways, im done with half assed friendships nowadays. like i said, we are grown adults. the second she said we remained friends for so long because we were trauma bonded was the day our friednship ended because what the actual fuck. who says that about a friendship? if that is how you perceive our friendship then once again, i dont want it. yeah weve been through some traumatic things together, but that is not what holds a friendship together. i have lived 10 minutes away from her for over a year now and guess how many times we have hungout at my apartment? two. thats all. and one of the times was when her and her toxic ass girlfriend broke up and she was crying and shit so she was on the phone literally the whole time. guess how many times i have stayed and hungout at their apartment. too many to count. effort. it was always one sided.

im so tired of talking about this shit on here but fuck. who wants to listen to me complain about my past friends. no one. i dont want to sit and stir in these emotions so getting them out like this is the only way. letting them flow right out and wasting anymore time dwelling on them. sure, grieving friendships is a hard thing and it 100% sucks, but im done wasting my time on people who dont care to lose me. thats not a loss in my opinion. thats actually the nicest thing they could have done. so thank you. thank you for showing me who you are, finally. who you choose and how much the friendships actually meant to you. thank you for making walking away finally so incredibly easy. thank you for lifting the heavy burden of fighting for a one sided friendship. thank you for showing me what not to do and how to not treat someone that i care about.

[smeemp]

What was it like being raised pagan? Curious. What sort of religious practice did that involve? How do your parents feel about you exploring other religions? What strand of paganism was it?

thanks for asking!! :D

I was raised in a sort of weird Buddhist-chaote-something mix. I never was actually aware until I was older that I was raised pagan due to the fact at the time my town was physically violent about it.

My parents were both raised Christian (My mom luthern Missouri senate and my father Baptist) so I was still raised with those values.

My mom was and still is a kind of interesting mix of religion. I was raised more with my dad's side, but my mom knew there was some sort of god, and told me that everything was separated by different realms. She believed that all of the good people went to higher ones meanwhile everyone else stayed here, and that ours would slowly burn to the ground.

My dad was an atheist Chaote. When I say atheist, he didn't deny god, he just hadn't been shown any proof that there was one in his opinion. Also, he crashed an entire atheist Reddit and had a bounty put on him for like 4 years

His mother was a tarot reader, so he grew up around it a bit more than my mom. His mom was first generation in the US, but he was never taught about any Scottish religious stuff. They were not strict Christians, they just kind of showed up to church, and they stopped once his mom died if I remember properly.

My 'dad' has an entire blog for his experience with it so I'll send it to you if you want!

Nowadays, he's Christian. He doesn't do much tarot anymore due to the fact that he's realized that all of the answers he's gotten about himself have been negative, and he'd rather not know. Recently he did it because he had an entity following him around and it just turned out our downstairs neighbor had died a few months ago and he didn't know he was dead yet. He's had a weird relationship with God, but I think he's really happy as a Christian! He is non-denominational and hates (most) churches, and most other Christians specifically in my town.

Chaos (or Kaos) is little known to most people, it's involved with the belief that with enough mental servitude, you can do any spells, and our components are just to trick our heads into doing it, plus some. It was originally put forward in Peter Carroll - Liber Kaos, so you can do more looking into that part if you want!

I'm not quite sure how much my upbringing differed, to be honest. I wasn't taught much about Christianity like, at all. All I heard about it was some snip-bits from my friends. I remember being taught about auras and all of the STRANGE stuff my mom has seen in the occult.

There also was 'The Dark Man' which was a very specific situation that I don't know much about and I don't ask about due to it. More information is in my dad's blog, I haven't read it yet since my 'dad' who wrote that is not my current dad.

I'd see the man from time to time, but as the situation went he went. It's ironically one of the only things I remember from my early childhood.

When I was about 8-9 was when my parents decided I was old enough to start actually learning about it more. As my dad puts it, 'once you light the candle, it never goes out.' so they wanted to wait until I was older.

I was a paranoid kid so I took 3 squishy snoms and talked to my friend through steam throughout my entire first spell. It did not go well, as one would expect lmao. There is something following me after that spell but it's not causing much harm to me so I'm not worrying about it too much.

After that, I took a bit of a step away as any sane person would. I started reading tarot during mid-pandemic I think? Somewhere around there.

I got a lot of juicy stuff out of it, and I had the same problem as my dad in the way that I'd just rather not know what it was telling me.

So, I took a break from it for a while. I spent a while looking into Judaism, and I went to my friends church with her. I stopped going because the teacher was weirdly hostile toward me, and once I stopped going my friend ghosted me.

I ended up donating most of my spell stuff to my friend K, and last I knew he's very happy with it, so I don't regret taking a step away from it. That was also around when my dad decided to quit for good, he was just tired of it.

Nowadays I do mostly readings for friends and life advice for myself. I don't like to dabble in spells because in my opinion, that's changing fate, and I do not think that's ok. The most I do is protection spells since I'm paranoid and also people are crazy even in this circle TRUST.

I'm looking into meditation a bit more and I'm trying to read up on a lot of stuff. I don't really like labels too much so I don't try to keep my belief set to a specific religion, so I believe in the chaos stuff, and practices of Buddhism, and I think there might be something going on with god up there.

We celebrated most Christian/luthern holidays, easter, palms, Christmas, all that stuff. We didn't base it around god clearly, but we based it around spending time with family and just leaving our woes behind for a day. My parents would also typically go on a diet during lent, but I'm 13 (I turn 14 in like a week) so they don't tell me to. They did it mostly to challenge themselves and try and make themselves better.

My mom also used to celebrate winter solstice with a yule log when I was a lot younger, but as her chronic illnesses caught up she sort of stopped with it.

So, yeah! :D sorry if any of it is vague, I'm always open to more questions but that's my experience! I've found that most peoples experiences are a lot different from each other so this is just my side of things.

EDIT: sorry I forgot the last part lmao. My dad has studied any religion you can think of. Christan denominations, Hindu, Wicca, anything you can think of. He actually encouraged me to! My mom doesn't care about it much. I try not to talk to her about it since she gets really angry and defensive about most things lol.